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NAME IT
October 1115.
Sprtnoficl^ IRepublican
ESTABLISHED IN 1824 By SAMUEL BOWLES
Daily Sunday Weekly
Is read from one end of the country to the other by thinking people. Get the habit while in college. Complete accounts of M. A. C. happenings.
Jhe j4otel iOorthy
The Home of College Men When in Springfield
Special Attention to College Dinners
Centrally Located Exceptional Cuisine
Complete in all Appointments
303 MAIN STREET
Two Minutes Walk From the Station
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
Springfield Union
Read the Daily and Sunday Union for the best reports of the game
Contains all the campus news of interest
Keep in touch with the work of your fellow students. Read the "Bay State Ruralist" a regular feature of each Sunday's Union, written and edited by "Aggie" men in the Journalism courses
School and College
IpbotOGvapbers
52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass.
Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY
New York City
Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres.
Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier
First National Bank
Northampton
Do Your Banking Business with Us.
Deposits Received by Mail will
be Promptly Acknowledged
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
Uake a TLi^l
Our Fall lines of clothing and correct accessories cannot be equalled in price or quality. Come in and see for yourself
Sanderson & Thompson
HOW TO BE A SPORTSMAN
1. Expend a young fortune on rods, tackle, etc.
2. Subscribe to the "Fisherman's Review," the "Ananias Magazine" and the "Munchausen Monthly."
3. Accumulate a large stock of fishing terms; these will add fluency and local color to your conversation.
4. In order to get accustomed to the Pelham trout brooks, spend one hour each day standing in the bath tub. (N. B.: The bath tub should contain ten gallons of water, and a cake of ice. Fragments of window glass on the bottom of the tub will heighten the realism.)
5. Practice sitting down on a wet sponge, at the same time looking ofl' into vacancy with an egg-on-toast expression.
If these rules are carefully followed, you will soon become an expert, and unless pneumonia intervenes you will be in a position to write exhaustive treatises on "The ESicient Life."
For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring Your Guests to the
Amherst House
Catering to House Parties a Specialty
HENRY ADAMS CO. Ebe no. K d.
Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco
The Rexall Store
''The Machine You Will Eventually Buy"
Ifnderi^ood J't/pei^riter
The Solid, Speedy Machine That Will Give the Best Results for the Longest Time Easy Payments
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SHE WISHES TO BE SINGLE
Visitor — We are getting up a raffle for an old soldier. Won't you buy a ticket?
Miss Innocence — Mercy, no! What would I
do witji liim?
— Columhia Jester.
Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST.
C. H. PRENTICE, Manager
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
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Campion College Outfitter Fine Tailoring Ready -to -Wear Clothes |
1 ranscript Photo Engraving Company NORTH ADAMS, MASS. Engravers of Merit We Solicit Work in College Publications Get Our Rates |
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Columbia Cafe Clean, Healthy Food With Thai Home-like Taste |
The Place of Good Eats Grange Store Get Your Supplies Here for Those Evening Spreads |
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THE FAMOUS NEW YORK Kirpatrick Shoe Exclusive Lasts WILLIS '19 |
Our Food Has That Tasty Taste That Reminds You of Home North End I unch On the Left as You Enter the Campus |
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MORE INTERESTING READING Student — I want a Herodotus trot. Bookseller — Here's Vernon Castle's "Modern Dancing." — Williams Purple Coiv. |
UP TO HARVARD BOY THEN "May I come nearer you.'" "No: I'm afraid if you do, you'll — " "No; honestly, I won't." "What's the use, then?" — Harvard Lampoon. |
CO-OPERATE AVITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
It is better to have your
H^rinttUQ
Done by Us than to wish you had
Excelsior Printing Co.
IPrintino— IRiUing— Bin&inG
North Adams, Mass.
Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate
Theme or Practice Paper
Ruled or Unruled Punched or Not
500 Sheets
Latham '17
70 Cents
MERRILL '17
REMEMBER
The Fisher Safety Fountain Pen
For $1.25
Is Absolutely Guaranteed to give Satisfaction or
money refunded. A college man's
pen at a college man's price
L. D. KELSEY '17 90 Pleasant St.
Phone 543 Amherst
picture Iframing
J. Murphy '16 P. C. Harlow '17
Agents for Miller Co., Northampton
THE WIDOW
War Neavs Aggie's asking alms for the artillery. Belinda's binding belly-bands for Belgians. Clara's counting conghdrops for Cossacks. Diana's denting dum dums for Dragoons. EfBe's etching emblems for the Ensigns. Fannie's fetching fishballs for the Frenchies. Gaby's gargling goldfish for the Germans, 'attie's 'itching 'orses for the Hinglish. Zona's ironing icebags for the Irish. .Jennie's joining jewsharps for the Japs. Katy's killing Kitcheners for the Kaiser. Lizzie's lifting lingerie for Lancers. ■ Mary's making moonshine for the Monks. Nellie's 'nitting nothing for the Nuns. Olive's opening oysters for the Old Guard. Prunella's painting pretzels in Przemysl. Quola's Ciuelling quinzy in the Queen's Own. Rachel's rolling Rameses for Russians. SISTER SUSIE'S SEWING SHIRTS FOR
SOLDIERS. Tillie's toughening tripe for two tight Teutons. Lima's unwrapping unionsuits for Uhlans. Viola's vaporizing Vodka in the Vosges. Wilhelmina's wishing warts on AVilhelm. Xanthippe's xhaling xylophones for Xmas. Yenny's yielding yeastcakes for the Yiddish. Zuzie zaid zhc zent zome zoap for ze Zuaves.
— 2' he Widow.
MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS
Prexy's Choice
rlORE OF
THtn —
PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE
F. C. LARSON '17 Editor-in-Chief
A. E. LINDQUIST '16 Business Manager
L. T. BUCKMAN '17
Associate Editor H. M. WARREN '17 Circulating Editor
C. H. HALLET '17
Art Editors F. K. BAKER '18
H. A. PRATT '17
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SI. 50 A YEAR |
"QUID AGIS AGE |
AGGIE" |
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All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. |
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Vol. II. |
OCTOBER, |
1915 |
No. 4 |
AGGIE IS HERSELF AGAIN
FTER many years of wearisome stifling of the spirits of loyal Aggie men under the domination of that soid-repressing thing, civilization, it gives us the usual great pleasure we've noticed that is characteristic of all great publications, to chronicle the advent of the old college into the New Freedom at last. No, Hephzibah, it is not our intention to intimate that anybody in this cradle of liberty gave vent to an idea; we don't go in for that sort of thing here, y'know; it is de trop, passe, of another day and generation. The incident marking the initiation of the new epoch — heavens, that will never do; we had specific orders from the head funny man not to pidl any words over two syllables, lest the fellows couldn't understand; well, anyhow, the thing we mean is the summary punishment of a freshman recently by one of our progressive sophomores for the gross crime of having omitted to educate himself in the important department of Aggie slanguage. (We want to point a moral right here: English is a decadent mode of communication; don't spend your time learning it; it isn't worth it, and furthermore, in our most cultivated circles it's considered very bad form to show any knowledge of it — witness the fate of the freshman above mentioned. But as we precede our tale, impossible as that may seem for any animal not constructed of ridsber.) It seems that the aforesaid member of the entering class is a depraved, hard- ened reprobate; along with his other misdeeds he has been so criminal as to have been born in a foreign country, and to have learned English — we're as much pained as we know you, gentle reader, must be at this recital of the depths of sin — in a school where only the highbrow "pure English" was taught. On the occasion we refer to, he was reprimanded, so our informant tells us, by one of our worthy upper-classmen for failing to wag his left ear with the proper acceleration while passing a cross-eyed senior, according to the sacred tradition of old Aggie, and was so impertinent as to reply, as well as his
detestable language would permit, that he didn't understand what was wanted of him. The soph- omore, righteously indignant, did the only thing left for him under the circumstances — hit him. The freshman, being a gentleman, of course showed no pep, and the incident was closed, except for the meddling activities of a few sympathizers who showed their traitorous qualities by trying to induce the '18 man to make an apology. Of course, there was nothing to apologize for — for is it not a car- dinal rule of conduct that class spirit is always laudable, no matter how shown.^
This little encounter, as we remarked before, is tremendously important in its significance: it is the beginning of the end of all the old, oppressive foolishness about a man's having rights that other men are bound in "honor" to respect, and with the silly idea of honor itself, which is the basic weakness of most of our troubles, as our readers probably well recognize. Instead of all this out-of- date trash, the way seems to be opened for a new and happier regime of brutality, class domination, absolute subjection, total annihilation of all foolish "rights" as students, citizens, human beings, or anything else. We see before us another Golden Age, where a man — any man, or rather any upper- classman — on meeting a freshman, for instance, may take his exercise and satisfy his gym credits by promptly knocking him down; where the sophomores shall cast aside their harmless little nail-studded boards, fit only for breaking wrists and blackening eyes, on the eve of the night-shirt parade, and blossom forth with bowie knives between their teeth and a double battery of Colt 38's in their belts. Ah, then will be the glorious times! Then will pep run in streams a foot thick over the campus, and the dear old football team sit in the seats hastily vacated by the present faculty! Then they'll all come back from the night-shirt parade, instead of a mere forty, though of course the sophomores will have the extra expense of cartage. On with the good work! Kill him, he's a freshman!
HE student body, as a whole, can certainly congratulate our fair Co-eds on
their establishment of a sorority. Let us hope that their principles in years
to come, in increasing their numbers, are not based on the methods used
at the present time by the male of the species. May we ask when the
goat room is to be opened for inspection by the students? We are very curious.
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¥F things keep on the way they have started this year, a man won't dare to go to Assembly *■ without a dollar or so in his jeans. When no one can think of anything else to tax the Student Body for, a collection might be taken up to bribe the Power Plant to give North College a little hot water some morning, just for the noveltj^ of it.
TPHE old Aggie spirit is showing up this year as never before. Did you notice the number * of Alumni that were back to see the first game on the new field, and to help wear out the Drill Hall floor .^
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CJn to I utX/
BIG GUESSING CONTEST A La Boston Americanus
SAD news is never cheerful. Still we must tell our woeful tale. A good friend (he says he is), of this illustrious publication has taken upon liimself the sorrowful duty of informing us that the name our honored predecessors did . bestow on this paper, brings tears to his eyes when he thinks of all the doleful things for which he claims the letters in this name stand, and he herewith submits for public sympathy the cause of his grief:
W stands for WIFE: A Bachelor's finishing school.
A stands for APARTMENTS: A modern habitation owned by a promoter of race suicide and occupied by bachelors and childless couples.
R stands for REMORSE: In man, the begin- ning of Wisdom; In woman, the end of Indis- cretion.
C stands for CHINAMEN: The yellow peril to which we are forever exposing our fair white bosoms.
R stands -for RAILROADS: Public utilities chartered to run from Bad to AVorse but never on the level.
Y stands for YODLER: A piece of Swiss cheese with a noise at every opening.
— The New Foolish Diciionari/.
Now, far be it from us to wish to be the inno- cent cause of any flood of salt water which may damage the town, for the deluge of fresh water we had this year was quite sufficient to rot the potatoes in the ground, and as this publication is intended to be the original gloom chaser and not a funeral dirge, we have decided after much deep thought and deliberation to return the present name to the worthy organization from which we have a suspicion it was borrowed, and endeavor to remove the cause of our friend's sorrow, and incidentally the cause of the long faces decorating some of our other worthy friends (no names men- tioned) for who can tell Init what it affects other people in the same way.
We have discovered a perfectly "supermili- gorgeous" name, which ought to dispel this mournful feeling, but we aren't going to tell you
right away this minute for we want to give you all a chance to guess awhile. We want to see if the masculine gender of the species called "curi- osity is as well developed as the female To make things real lively we have decided to have one of those thrilling guessing games or contests in which the man endowed with the largest head invariably comes out a-head, that is, providing there is anything in it (?). We will allow each contestant three guesses, and the victorious victor will be the proud recipient of a magnificent prize, the nature of which we will not disclose at the present time as we don't know yet what the "left-overs" will be on this issue, but we can con- fidently say that it will be nothing cheaper than a Ford.
Of course we know how cruel it is of us to keep you in suspense thusly, but it is only for your own benefit, for there is not a selfish bone in our bodies. You see we have figured it out this way: If one of the guesses submitted happens to eclipse our own bright idea, we will be very glad to avail ourselves of the improvement and of course we will award the munificent trophy to the lucky dog. Here's a chance in a lifetime fellow sufferers, to annex something which may come in handy in the future. Of course we shall make it something useful, such as, for instance,, a baby carriage, a powder puff or a spool of darn- ing cotton, all depending on the size of our pocketbook at the end of the grand rush for copies of this issue. We hope you will be con- siderate enough not to submit more than three guesses as we cannot afford to hire more than one stenog. to handle the correspondence.
With kind regrets,
Editor and Staff'.
P. D. Q. We forgot to ask you not to forget to send the address of your most frequent abode, whether at Hamp or elsewhere, so that we may wire you at your expense upon discovery of your victory.
WATCH FOR THE SOLUTION
OF THE GREAT MYSTERIE
IN THE NEXT NUMBER
OF THE
=? 7
w
or ni blow out your "Vi brains."
"Blow them out then. I need my money to get through college."
A motor-cycle in the early stages of generation.
(Commonly known as the puff, puff.)
Scene at Amherst hen coop.
The rider has been arrested for speeding on Campus.
The Rider (you know) ajipearing before the judge.
Judge — "What — overspeeding?"
Culprit — "Yes, your Honor."
Judge — "Were you driving backward or for- ward?"
Culprit — " Forward ".
Judge — "Dismissed."
How TO BE Popular at College 'HEN your roommate begins a story that you' have heard before (you know the kind that Doc Seeley objects to), always interrupt, and say so. Then add encouragingly: "Whoa, get- up, whoa back." Maybe some of the other boys haven't heard it.
Be intrepid. When the rugs are pulled back and the phonograph started, say to your Smith partner: I've never done any of these new steps, but I don't mind trying.
Be helpful. If the temperature in your room in the Dorms goes down to — 273°, don't get fluffy and yell out of the window "We want some heat." Go down to the Power Plant and feed the furnace with a few pieces of coal. This adds greatly to the evening's gayety.
Be a Comedian. If there is a shy person present, for instance a co-ed, pounce on her unex- pectedly, with: "We haven't heard a word from you. Come — say something clever." Thus
everyone is put at his ea.se, and your friends are relieved of much of the burden of entertaining.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER CARRIAGE, BOYS.^-
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Waiter (in German restaurant) — Wasser.^ American Girl (flustered) — No, Wellesley.
— Dartmovth Jack O'Lardern.
YEA, VERILY
Flo — "Do you think a girl should learn to love before twenty.^"
Fli — "Nope! Too large an audience."
— Jack 0' Lantern.
7 ? 7 7 ?:
AT THE INFORMAL
HE: — What would you do if I should die, Jack? ' Jack: — Start a bank account and buy a car.
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GAME LAWS
As Drawn up by the I Tapa Keg and Eata Bit a Pie
1. Season opened until Freshman supply wa.; exhausted that is — mating time.
2. Baits such as Pesse Jomeroy, William .Jennings — etc., are illegal.
3. Pledge buttons must not be placed on the cigarette trays as samples.
4. Trapping is permitted, but the victim must have at least one hand free while being pledged.
5. If a 1919 man should escape after being captured, he cannot be retaken and is open game for the rest of the hunting packs.
6. Daily limit for a single hunting pack — 20 Frosh.
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THE OFFICIAL HUNTING SONG OF THE FRATERNITIES
Rooty toot — toot, "Oh there you are,"
Sh ! — pst ! — List-en.
Have a button ready.
He's leaving the Hash-House —
He's coming near —
Brothers — he's a dandy.
Suffocate him with essence of pepjx'r mint
Tie his hands.
He'll be a Dandy 1
We'll get him or break his neck. Silence — sh!
FAIR HARVARD?
Massachusetts Agricultural College,
Amherst, Mass., Oct. 1, 1915.
Mr. Fred C. Kenney,
Treasurer, Mass. Agri. College. Dear sir:
This is to inform you that — unless you leave $10000000000000000 under the bridge at the south end of the pond your job will not be worth much, as we will stop eating at the hash-house and also refuse to pay any more bills at your office. Do not attempt to communicate with the CJieese of Police as we will not stand any fooling from him. Remember lyou are watched all the time. Beware
Yours truly.
Black Hand of the Pelican Club.
Iw^vff
O.VH OF THE SOl'IIOMORES TROTBLKS
C.VMl I S GLIMPSES
Finish of I lie Cross Country: — Shcriny.-iii in I lie liackground
V V V
DID YOU KNOW
THAT a great number of suckers died recently on the Campus. Let's hope they will fill the pond soon, so 1918 can stock it again.
That the heat in North Dorm, is normal, but the hot water is cold.
That a box marked "Duffy's Malt Whiskey" was seen in the Y. M. C. A. office. Would the owner please call and claim it, otherwise — you know ?
That if all the cigarettes smoked in a year by Aggie students were joined together so as to make one long cigarette, it would be long enough to serve as a tight rope over to Smith, and it would take Ed Hill three days and fifty minutes to walk to the other end to see if it was lit. RUB IT OUT—
That if you could shoot base-balls out of the Army rifle the Junior Sharp-shooters couldn't hit a bulls-eye forty feet in diameter at a fifty foot range.
WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO ATLANTIC CITY TO TRAVERSE THE BOARD WALK
THE ZIEGFELD FOLLIES AS WE SEE THEM
MIDNIGHT cabaret with eating and drink- ing for the solace of persons who are afraid to go to bed.
WHAT THE ACTORS THINK OF THE AGGIE BOYS
MANAGER:— So one of the college boys hit you with a tomato? But how did it raise such a bad lump on your head?
Actor: — Well, you see, the one who threw it forgot to remove the can.
THE DEDICATION OF STOCKBRIDGE HALL
SOB SONG
GONE are the days 'neath the greenwood tree. In the hammock that swung in the breeze. Gone are the days that passed in a haze. As we sat by the summer seas. Shall we ever forget — (Nay, we'll never forget) The hours that we spent on the shore, Where we walked hand in hand On the silver-licked strand And fussed. Fussing is never a bore.
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TWO FRESHMEN AT SUPPER
7NTER two freshmen who sit opposite each ■^ other at a table in the Hash House.
1st F.— "Hullo."
•^nd F. — "Hullo. You in Animal Husbandry
1:
1st F. — "Yes." (blase). I slept pretty well through the lecture today."
2nd F. — (gasps).
1st F. (disdainfully).— "Call that anything? Huh. Cut two classes since I been here."
2nd F. — (laughs to show appreciation of
deviltrjO-
1st F. — "And last night (in a low voice), drank two glasses of punch at a Frat house.
2nd F. — "Sh — not so loud — " (points to dean who happens to be sitting at the next table.)
Trembling silence.
1st F.— Did he hear me?"
2nd F. — "Don't move, he's coming."
1st F. — "Perhaps we had better go."
2nd F. — Yes. It says to write home before the office does."
1st F. — (scared) "I can't do that. It would break my mother's heart. (In burst of manly courage). Rather than bring my fathers gray hairs to the grave, I will — . "
Dean approaches. Air is breathless.
Dean — "I'd like to see you boys in my office to- morrow, if I may. The scholarship committee informs me, etc., etc.
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IF the whole freshman class had about half of * the "Peij" that their co-eds seem to have, there wouldn't be a daub like this one above.
AFTER THE TUFTS GAME
SHE — "Oh (hysterics) are you really from Aggie? I know a slew of Aggie men. Let me see — now isn't that funny? I can't — oh, do you know — er — Jack Smusham? — No? Well, he is not very prominent, I guess. Let me see, do you know Charlie Ringem? — What class? Oh, I don't know that. I think he has graduated, though. I think Aggie men are wonderful? Isn't it funny, I should never have guessed that you was an Aggie man. It is odd that we have no mutual friends. Yes, of course, it is a regular world in itself. I knew so many Seniors last year. I suppose you live in the Dormitory.'' — No? In the yard? Tents I suppose! That must be wonderful! No, I had the worst luck about that. I was going with two Tufts men, but they were both ill on the eve of the game. I intended to cheer for Aggie though. — Oh where shall we go? Any place you say. ..."
The peacock is a beau- tiful bird, but it takes the stork to deliver the goods.
AGGIE'S RECORD CLASS— 1919
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DANGER— SAFETY FIRST
OUT Damned Spot! Out I Say. Such are the signs of wickedness and crime which brand the headlights of our human edifice as we step onto the battlefield of Amherst, com- monly known as the Rifle Range. Here the groans and the shrieks of our former classmates creep in through the cotton batting in our ears. Nevertheless it is an interesting place, for when the bullets begin to whistle and run wild it reminds one of Teddy's cry for war. Sherman never spoke any truer words, when he said: "WAR is Hell." So say we the brave gladiators of Companies G and H.
But — the jokes — that funny feeling, the after- thoughts ahead of time make one forget the claws of death that ai-e continually reigning over our anatomies. Hush — hush — there is a sound of footsteps on horseback — a shriek, a cry — a noise like canned tongue. What can it be???.'' Has one of our brave warriors bitten the dust? Lo,- Behold-, there a few feet away lies a corpse, bare- faced; but hardly naked. "Grab his hands," says one, "he always was a good sort of a fellow." "Doesn't he look natural?" says another, "and to think he never drank." Such is the discussion that goes on amongst our comrades.
But, hark- the crisis approaches, for the youth's brain has been penetrated by a plum, known among our Hash House Guards, as a prune in the last stages of consumption. Alas, look at him, his face is so smeared with red corpuscles, and so mutilated that we are unable to identify him. But worry not, dear readers, Kraig Cen- nedy is with us. At first the great detective is dazed and puzzled. "Give him air," says Kraig, and in a little while to our astonishment a squeaky, sneaky sound vibrates from the mouth of the corpse which the sleuth records in the following way: —
Look for the identity of the Corpse in the next numher
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' I 'HE battle is on again:
* "Now tomorrow I'll meet you in Dr. Gordon's Zoo. Lab.; it won't be Zoology, either."
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AMALGAMATED CONVENTION OF THE PLOWING AND HOEING SOCIETIES
IT is with great pleasure that we, the under- scruples, announce the above current event of the month. Let us give you a vague gist of the proceeds of the meeting. Paragraph 1.
Meeting was called to order at our regular meeting place behind the arena at 4 A. M., October 16, by our most worthy chancellor, Joe Pike. Paragraph 2.
A motion was made and passed that the two teams challenge similar teams of Harvard and Yale.
The following are the eligibility rules and requirements.
1. No lazy members wanted.
Each member must suppl.y himself with a
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hoe.
3. order
4.
Each member must wear suction shoes, in
to get "sucked in."
Each member must qualifjr in plowing curved furrows.
If you wish to become a member, see the Head Coach but you must first have references from "King" Babbit as well as "Hap" Day, who are charter members of the organization.
WHY NOT SPRING THE QUESTION?
"Say, jeweller, why doesn't my watch keep good time?"
"The hands won't behave, sir; there's a pretty girl in the case."
— Cornell Widotv.
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BUT HOW MUCH SHE MISSES
Josh — Is she refined?
Frosh — I should say she is. She won't even read coar§e print.
— Pelican.
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WHEN YOU ARE IX NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS |
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You Want the Best Fountain |
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Pen on the Marvel |
"What is the charge against this man?" |
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Safety is the Pen |
"Dressing up in woman's clothes, your honor." "Discharged! He's been punished enough." |
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A Seif-filHng Pen, Ground to Your Own |
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Handwriting |
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C. H. HALLETT, '17 88 Pleasant St. |
SIMPLIFIED SPELLING The dentist had just moved into a place pre- viously occupied by a baker, when a friend called. |
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Get in Practice for the Winter |
"Pardon me a moment," said the dentist, |
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Tournaments at |
"while I dig off those enamel letters of 'Bakeshop' from the front window." |
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MetcalFs Bowling Alleys |
"Why not merely dig off the 'B' and let it go at that?" suggested the friend. — Boston Transcript. |
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Alleys May be Reserved in |
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Advance |
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DOUBTFUL "Of course I don't wish to put any obstacles |
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Delicious Home-made Candy |
in the way of your getting married," a mistress |
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at the |
said to her servant, "but I wish it were possible for you to postpone it until I get another maid." |
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College Candy Kitchen |
"Well, mum," Mary Ann replied, "I 'ardly think I know 'im well enough to arsk 'ini to put |
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Ice Cream Cigars and Tobacco |
it off." — London Standard. |
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Open until 12 |
Newly wed: My angel, I wish you wouldn't |
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paint. |
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Amherst ^ mit Store |
Mrs. Newly wed: Now, Jack, have you ever seen an angel that wasn't painted? — Tit-Bits. |
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Fresh Fruit and Candy |
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Peanuts and Cookies |
MERE CAFETERIA DOPE Stude — Say, waiter do you call this bean soup ? |
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Garcon — The cook does, sir. |
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THEN HE IS ALL RIGHT |
Stude — Why, the bean in this soup isn't big |
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Hay — What kind of fellow is Jones? |
enough to flavor it. |
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Bill — Well, he claps at the motion pictures. — |
Garcon — He isn't supposed to flavor it, sir. |
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— California Pelican. |
He is supposed to christen it. ' — Oregon i an. |
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WONDERFUL SYMPATPIETIC NERVES |
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STUDENT'S COURAGE GOOD |
"Hey, Steve, you should see my father when he |
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Tonsorial Artist — And what will you have on |
gets angry, he gets little red spots in each cheek." |
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your face when I finish shavinjr you? |
"That's nothing, when my dad gets angry I |
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Optimistic Stude — Oh, probably l)olli lips and |
get black and blue so I can't sit down." |
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part of my nose. — Cornell Widow. |
—Burr. |
THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN SOMERVILLE
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Largest Restaurant in Davis Square. In Basement of Building next to Somerville Theatre Morgan's Lunch |
r^HM'^ |
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UUIN 5 iDollant) Xuncb special Rump Steak French Fried Potatoes 30c. 21-23 HOLLAND ST. |
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Bings — "Say, that Miss Peachee is pretty fast, isn't she?" Kinks — "Fast! Why, she told me that she's covered five laps this evening!" — Gargoyle. Marcus F. — My typewriter needs some new ribbons. Intelligent Clerk — Very well, sir; blonde or Ijrunette, sir.'' — Bargoyle. Holz — "I notice that a million dollars is spent every year for soothing-syrup." Schniolz — "Hm — one form of hush money." — Jacl- O'Lantern. |
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Varied Menu Special Dishes Turkey Dinner Sirloin Steak and French Fried Potatoes |
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Get Your Page & Shaws for the Show at Frank W. Wasson, Inc. IPbarmacists Cigars Cigarettes DAVIS SQUARE |
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t Jack's Lunch . Clean and Wholesome Food 18-19 HIGHLAND - - AVENUE |
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The M.A.C. Headquarters for smokes Oct. 30-31 Davis Sq. Smoke Shop All popular 10c. cigars 7c. Cigarettes Tobacco pipes |
BECOME EXPERTS ON POLES "I see that the German barbers are going to strike." "What's the matter, are they all going back to fight?" "No, but for the first time in their lives they realize that a Pole is more than an ornament. — — Princeton Tiger. # HOW MINERALOGY HAS CHANGED! Professor — Name the largest known diamond. Mr. A. — The ace. — Calif am ia Pelican . |
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction at
/Fleming's ^oot Shop
211 MAIN STREET
Northampton,
MASS.
E. Alberts
IRegal Sboes
FOR YOUNG MEN
241 Main Street Northampton
THIS IS FINE IDEA
Bill — Hello, old top, I noticed yoii at the game with your wife and another woman.
Syl — Yes, I wanted to enjoy the game, so I had to provide entertainment for Nellie.
— Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
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OH! THAT GOLDEN HAIR!
Well, George, you should understand that it's" woman's privilege to change her mind."
"Yes, dear. And her form, hair and com- plexion."
— Illinois Siren.
RA^rilER CHILLY FOR PAPA
Mother — Now go kiss nursie good night and let her put you to bed.
Little Helen — Don't want to. She slaps folks that try to kiss her now.
Mother — Why, what a story, Helen!
Helen — Well, you ask papa if she doesn't. — Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern.
RATHER CHEEKY, ISN'T IT.?
Tess — Does Fran use cold cream? Bess — Yes, she puts it on to keep the chaps away. — Minnehaha.
BECKMANN'S
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies & Ice Cream
247-249 Main Street
Northampton
Butler and Ullman
Formerly H. W. Field
1^
FLORISTS TO SMITH COLLEGE
H33mO
g^, opticians
of
Particular Merit
O. I. Dewhurst
201 MAIN ST.
Opp. City Hall Northampton
Telephone 184-W
ODE TO A SHOWER BATH
O varying, versatile, quick-changing shower bath. Just cause art thou to arouse all of our wrath. Why is thy temp'rature constantly altering. Causing the studes to be constantly faltering.'' Whether or no to dare enter thy stream Of icy-cold water co-mingled with steam.' Where is thy source, from whence cometh this water, That's never been known to act as it oughter? Why does the liquid thou sputeth and spurteth Fall with such force it invariably hurteth? Then suddenly change to a steam full of tickle, — Why art so frightfully fitful and fickle.' O shower bath, 'tis plain to see Thy middle name's inconstancy.
— The Widow.
THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
100 MAIN STREET
Northampton
STONE'S
The Home of Great Benjamin and Washington Clothing
Knox Hats Just Right Shoes
Arrow Shirts and Collars
BUT WHY BE JEALOUS?
Jingo — Is there any difference between satis- fied and contented?
Bings — Is there? Well, I'm satisfied Billings is going to bring my girl to the prom., but hanged if I'm contented. —
— Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern. A VERY CLOSE SECOND Who won the race between the cabbage and the tomato?
The cabbage — it came out a-head. What happened to the tomato? Oh, it couldn't ketch-up.
— Princeton Tiger.
For a tasty Dinner go to
tEbe ©raper
Served in Metropolitan Style Banquets a Specialty
NORTHAMPTON
MASSACHUSETTS
Prepare for Your Trips at
W. L. Chilson
Trunks Bags Suit Cases Horse Goods
Try us once and you will try us again
141 Main Street
Northampton
Northampton
Massachusetts
IRabar's ITnn
The Hotel Where There is Comfort Without Extrava- gance. More Popular Than Ever. Special Luncheon from 1 1 .30 to 2.00 p. m. Private Dining Rooms. A la Carte Service 6.30 a. m. to 11.00 p. m.
RICHARD J RAHAR,
Proprietor
HOW COLLEGE BOYS CHANGE
If someone makes an extended answer in class while a
Freshman, his classmates think: "Bull";
Sophomore, they think of it as: "Grind";
Junior, the conviction is: "Courage";
Senior, the opinion is: "Education."
— Pennsylvania Punch Bond. APT TO BE TOO STRENUOUS
The Poet (flapping virtuous pinions) — I just hate to hear a woman swear, y'know.
The Girl (swinging him with both barrels) — Yes, some of you men just can't stand compe- tition in any line. — Dartmouth Jack o' Lantern.
R. F, ARMSTRONG & SON
Young Men's Suits
Our young men's suits are built to fit you as though made to your measure. They impart to the college man the air of well bred distinc- tion that marks a man ot good taste.
When in Hamp. come in and try on one of our Young Men's Suits.
$12.50 to $25.00
80 MAIN ST. Northampton, - Mass.
Order Cooking
Specials
When In Hamp Visit
The Elms Restaurant
Best Quality Food Moderate Prices
C. J. PANOS, Proprietor
213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
Rn Appeal
# <§> ^
Men, we are a growing college, so there is no reason why we should not have a monthly publication similar to the Harvard Lampoon, the Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantern or the Princeton Tiger.
We can only have this if the student body co-operates with the board of editors.
Don't sponge on the other fellow — buy a copy of your own.
Patronize the men who advertise in our columns. It is they who make possible at all this publication. The larger the circu- lation, the more ads we can get, and the larger the paper will become — so get behind and boost.
Alumni and faculty, subscribe for this magazine. It will make you smile and keep you young.
To be entered at the Amherst Postoffice beginning next number.
Subscriptions $1.50 per year, including the two large holiday numbers. ''
Enter the Grand Prize Contest. A Easy Way to Get Rich Quick, Tear Out the Coupon and Fill in the Name You Wish this Paper Live up to.
One Year's Subscription to the Winner
e o.
o ■<--.
^7
-..^^M^ir of ^
f"EB 2 41916
i ;
L^O -J
PLYMOUTH INN
A High-Class Hotel desirably located for
Colleoe IPationaac
Especially suited to the requirements of
tourists on account of its pleasant
location
American and European Plans Special Attention to Banquets
a
'^
XafMe/d
ry.
(Sfutlrmpu'a iFurnialjtiin (^ooiia
179 MAIN ST., NORTHAMPTON
Our clothes have that perfect style, that puts the dash into a man's appearance.
Our shoes add the snap that counts,
And our Haberdashery completes the smart- ness that is so necessary for the college man.
A visit will convince you.
Be A Tailored Man
From now on, men, watch this space. I am starting a selling campaign at Aggie. I want more Aggie men among my customers. My work is excellent, my prices low. Be a tailored man, it lends you distinction, and it is cheaper in the end. : : : : :
I. M. LABROVITZ
P. S. For perfect satisfaction in your clean- ing and pressing, try my system. : : : :
Suggestions to Students to Patronize Advertisers
Men \\\\o advertise are progi'essive. They have confidence in their Avares. It Avill pay you to visit them, and when you do, let them know j''ou are an Aggie man. It advertises the college and it will make a man feel that it is a good investment to advertise in a Massachusetts jjublica- tion.
Tlic ultimate reward comes to you. Increase in advertising makes possible a larger and better paper. It will help both the Collegian and the Squib.
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
Announcement
T TAVING sold my interest in Springfield, I have equipped my new quarters in North- ampton with the most up-to-date equipment for testing eyes.
Do not put off having your eyes examined any longer. I guarantee you a careful exam- ination and lenses that fit your eyes.
Burdick Opticians Co.
H. E. BURDICK, Optometrist
56 MAIN ST. Northampton, Mass.
Opposite First National Bank
MERRITT CLARK & CO.
NORTHAMPTON This is the only Northampton Store Showing the Renowned
^nrtrtg Irani (Clnttf^s
"For Young Men and Men Who Stay Young"
$
20 to *30
Clothes that set the standards of men's fashions. Ulti'a modish, with all the "pep" that genius can put into garments and tailored to perfection by tailors who are masters of their craft.
The "College Room" is Abloom With New Society Brand Models
Newly from the Society Brand Tailor Shops — every one with the unmistakable earmarks of artistic genius and highest skill.
Foreign and domestic suitings in patterns tow in instant approval.
Agents for "PATRICK" Mackinaws
School and College
IPbotograpbers
Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres.
Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier
First National Bank
Northampton
52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass.
Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY New York City
Do Your Banking Business with Us.
Deposits Received by Mail will
be Promptly Acknowledged
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
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XLnkc a trip! Our Fall lines of clothing and correct accessories cannot be equalled in price or quality. Come in and see for yourself Sanderson & 1 hompson |
Get in Practice for the Winter Tournaments at Metcalf's Bowling Alleys Alleys May be Reserved in Advance |
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"The Store with the College Atmosphere" College Drug Store ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES |
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A STRANGE REQUEST Mrs. Gadsby — If any caller should ask for me or Mr. Gadsby, Nora, just say there's nobody home. New Maid (astonished) — But you said I wasn't to use slang. Ma'am! —Puck. |
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For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring Your Guests to the Amherst House Catering to House Parties a Specialty |
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J. GINSBURG Modern Shoe Repairing Buy a Shine Ticket— 23 Shines $1.00 Black or Tan Shoes lU AMITY ST. AMHERST |
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Copies of the Squib May be bought at the College Store |
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A REMEDY "She doesn't like her new gown. It's pretty and all that, but she thinks it still needs some- thing to improve its shape." "Well, why doesn't she let some other girl wear it?" — New York Sun. |
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NOT HIGH GRADE Irate Motorist — Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine! Dealer — I said, "On the level it's a good car." — California Pelican. |
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A An Economical ^ ^ Christmas Gift ^ |
Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds You of Home North Knd Lunch On the Left as You Enter the Campus |
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A COLLEGE CALENDAR PUBLISHED BY THE ATHLETIC FIELD FUND Every Calendar Helps The Field SEE CURRY S. HICKS. HAROLD L. SULLIVAN, 18 FORREST GRAYSON, '18 ROGER CHAMBERS, '18 NALCOME MARS, '17 |
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
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UNEEDA LUNCH LABROVITZ BLOCK Steaks and Chops Our Specials. Come here for especially delicious Oysters and Scallops in season. |
'*^or the 1 ,and's Sace" Bowker |
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soPHo:sroRE soxnet subjects "To Billy's Ford." "On the Death of Tich's Dog." "How "We Love Arcella, or Vorticella Wc Have in Our House." "To My Beloved Master, Charles Chaplin." "Congratulations to the Dean on the Arrival of |
HENRY ADAMS CO. ttbe no. H. C. Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco The Rexall Store |
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"Inspirations Drawn from My Fountan Pen." "Thots on the Car to Hamp." |
"What mo' kin you ask," said Brother Williams, "than three good, squar" meals a day, a shelter from de winter wind, an' a liope dat Christmas won't be too long a-comin'?" — Atlanta Cnngtitiitioii . |
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Compliments of |
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R. D. Marsh Estate STUDENT FURNITURE |
Wholesome old fashion food served in the most modern manner at the COLONIAL INN At the entrance to the campus |
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Take Thought! Take Heed! |
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With several other companies competing, lasts year's senior committee voted unanimously to let Barlow insure them in the Connecticut General — a company in which most of the seniors were personally insured already. See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank |
For the Latest Magazines, Post Cards and Stationery of all Kinds Come to A. J. Hastings i'tattntirr nnh Npuiafiral^r The Squib sold here |
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NOBODY HOME Tish — And believe me, she's some girl. Tush— Clever? Tish — Oh, very! She's got brains enough for two. Tush — Just the girl for you — Why don't you marry her? — Awgiran. |
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GILMORK TIIKATUK THE HOME OF BURLESQUE Four Days Every Week. Beginning Wednesday MATINEE DAILY |
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
Compliments of
A J. GALLUP INC.
We sell
Hart Schaffner & Marx Clothes
293-297 HIGH ST.,
HOLYOKE, MASS.
BOLLES'
College %Shoes
MODERN REPAIR DEPARTMENT
TABOOED TOPICS (Lacking Seriousness) "Thots Returning" (from above) "The Squib."
"On My First Invitation to Come Over Sunday." "Heart of Alonzo, Unbroken." "Heatness and Light, or the Growth of the
Power Plant." "Banded Together in a Common Cause — To
Make Noise." "Would That I might Rise at Dawn." "On the Possibilities of a Five Spot." "The College Senate."
DOOLEY'S INN
HOLYOKE
The Happy Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie Men
MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS
INCONSISTENT
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the minister, in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.
"No, sir: I don't," replied the deacon. "You've been preachin' on the subject of resignation for two years, an' ye haven't resigned yet."
— Tit-Bits.
o • '^
A GOOD OPENING FOR FRESHMEN
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Patronize Our Advertisers
THE PROSPECT HOUSE
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UP-TO-DATE ROOMS AVITH BATLI |
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A C T I V E |
D I N I N (J ROOM |
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SPECIAL |
ATTENTION |
TO TRANSIENTS |
TELEPHONE
83 5
MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS
i
077
^i tetanic )'/i/io^M
zJ/ianMf/imna St^ma^
a/i ot/im<^ t/uHf/^
S^ ume cnanae me all ^nau note; ^of- on tnat da if ^an tv^ not iU'U
^ne lit^Keif ti t/ie aoatP
PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE
F. C. LARSON '17 Editor-in-Chief
A. E. LINDOUIST '16 Business Manager
C. H. HALLET '17
Art Editors F. K. BAKER '18
L. T. BUCKMAN '17 Associate Editor H. M. WARREN '17 Circulating Editor
H. A. PRATT '17
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$1.50 A |
YEAR |
"QUID AGIS AGE |
AGGIE" |
15 |
CENTS A |
COPY |
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Published Once A |
Month |
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Ail business communications should be addressed to th coinmimications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as |
e Business Manager; well as all drawings. |
literary |
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Vol. |
II |
NOVEMBER, |
1915 |
No. 5 |
THANKSGIVING
QUIBBY conceives Thanks- giving as a student's day of thanks, and as he recollects back to the period after the good old Roman days he finds Shakespeare muttering: "How sharper than a ser- pent's tooth it is
To have a thankless student."
To us Thanksgiving sig- nifies "eats," good "eats," and friend, our dearest friend, and last but not least, a gluttonous appetite. This shift combination can not be equaled. The dig- nified turkey although known as the King of Them x\ll, rests peacefully sizzling away in the oven, realizing that the heaven he perceived was far different from the one which he attained. But think of our dear little tape-worm, who shouts with glee at the thought of Thanksgiving, for to him "What is so rare as a bit of turkey." The poor half-starved creature in his abode is accustomed to hash, and re-hash and then some. Is it not a miracle that this poor unsophisticated young one should not have previously died in vain?
But Squibby protests against gluttony and says, "Do not worship the food that you slip down your oesophagus but be thankful that you are still alive and leading the jolly life of M. A. C. students. We may be thankful that the old "Aggie Pep" still exists, although the Freshmen have not as yet grasped the real significance of it.^ Another cheering circumstance fitted to increase witli us one
14
THE SQUIB
thankfulness is the development of "leadership" which the football team has demonstrated to the public. Last, and foremost of all we may be grateful that "Prexy" has fully decided to remain with us, for we all know that under his leadership the college has flourished and will continue to
flourish.
14-13
So let us all be thankful, although: —
Our allowances do not increase proportionately to the taxes levied at Assembly. The ubiquitous omnipotent Dean's Board makes us cognizant of the fact that we still have a Faculty.
We are still required to attend classes occasionally.
The Informal Committee does not provide the "Gallery Gods" with opera glasses at the informals.
We have not as yet received invitations to witness the mitiatory exercises of our Co-ed sorority.
STILL BE THANKFUL, for,
The B. & M. still continues to run to Boston and toothpicks are selling for the same price.
14-13
CO-EDS AND FELLOW-BEINGS, MR. SQUIB
The staff takes great pleasure in introducing to you, Mr. Squib, who from now on will fill the vacancy left by Mr. War Cry the deceased husband of Salvation Army Nell. Because of Squibbifs bashfulness we deem it essential that we should give you a few reasons why he should appear as the title-holder of this paper.
In the first place, Mr. Squib, as he is understood by authors of fame, has the honor of having a name, which although short, has several meanings. He is understood by them as a firework, a flashy fellow, making a noise,' but doing no great harm. He sometimes assumes the spirit of a rocket, and is so thought of, because of his ability to dart or flash along swiftly. Often times, he appears in the spirit of a whip, because he is the instigator of speed. But foremost of all he is a great writer of satyr as well as scribbler of wit and sarcastic speech.
Thus, fellow-beings receive him with open arms and possibly his influences may help to put a little speed into our systems where it is most needed. Then here's to Squibby, let us break one more bottle of Bryan's grape juice on his witty dome, and christen the paper after him. Mr. Squib step forward and let them look you over.
Finally, let us not overlook the various names which were suggested, for we are "noochal" and do not desire war. Therefore to avoid any broken bones we have decided, that the bright one who passed in the name "The Green Rooster" was favored by the "Goddess of Chance" and consequently receives a subscription to "The Squib" for one year.
14-13
There isn't a man on the campus who hasn't a good word for the team and the coach. Let us be thankful that we have had such a well liked and experienced man as Doctor Brides. Let us do all in our power to keep him here, for with his services Aggie will never lack a good football team.
What are they saying at Springfield? "Sh — Sh — ". "You'll find out."
15
THE SQUIB
A PROTEST
The Turkey — "No Sir: nothing like that in our family.
16
—THE SQUIB^=
AS WE SAW THEM AT THE MASS MEETING
As "Billy" imagined us after the Tuft's Game
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"SUPPOSED TO BE THE GERMICIDAL PERIOD"
INSTRUCTOR— Suppose a cow is milked at ^ 6 o'clock, what time is it at 6.45? Student — I don't know.
#
THE REASON
WHY do they call a tugboat 'she'? " Said the girl to the mate of the Thistle. "I dunno," says he, "but it seems to me, That it must be they call her 'she'
On account of the awful noise, you see She makes when she tries to whistle.
YEA AMOEBA
A good way of getting in free to the game.
CONCERNING A BIRD
A TURKEY is a wondrous bird And, by a method cunning It often Lasts upon my word For thirty days hand running It lasts so long upon the hoof So long upon the dummy That even Tish's dog (if he were living) stands
aloof When Hannah boils the mummy.
17
THE SQUIB
PRrXE! PRUNE! PRUNE!
A Dessertation "If this be Kultur, make a kick about it."
Prunella.
THE fo:ail)ination of gridiron contests, political rejoicing (or \veeping), affairs of the heart, major pursuits and minor difficulties should not by any means be the only filling of the cerebrum grooves of the Aggie man. Three times a day (or moi'e) he seeks a quiet environment, and tliere, excluding all sordid worliUy thoughts from his throbbing brain, he communicates with his inner self. The period of revery is brief, but of what importance' What have been the messages which flashed into that inner receiver? They are measured by a sort of esthetic vector, cjuality X and quantity Y being the components. - The quantity is voluntary within a certain limit. The quality is involuntary, of a retiring nature, and often beyond the limit. In pursuance of this unknown or doubtful value X let us orient the problem through the planes of Zoology, Physics, Chemistry, Agronomy, Pomology, Pathology, Dietetics and world-wide Humanitarianism. As an example, let us consider an example which though simple in appearance is infinitely complex, and therefore offers a wonderful opportunity to the student for close observation, cogitation, and moral determination. I refer to the pep-less prune.
Zoo-illogicalh^ considered, the Prune belongs to the inanimate world, and is willing to share its belongings. In the first place, it is always com- po.sed of the same invariable constituents — '■! — and — ! — in equal proportions. Fortunately for man tJie prune does not reproduce itself. The prune course, often repeated, has as its pre- requisite a good digestion and a varsity stomach. It responds to no stimulus known to the collegiate world, except to an awayward motion.
It is classified as follows: . PrunuH desertus Grade, Itiferioris Phylum, Getsuzoa
Cla.ss, Pecidiaris Sub-Class, Frequentis Order, Indif/estibilia Sub-Order, Damnae
Genus, Fnuuiti Species, desertiis Ex|>lanalion of terms in the classification:
TJie worrl Prune is a niisnomer. Prune really.^ really ineanscull. The grach' is tfio ol)vious to requii'c ex])]anation. (irtsvzoii refers to the ])sy- chologica! effect on Ihe linm.-ni animal. 'I'he class, I'ccidiari.s, imlii-ales llial Ihe I'l'uiie is in a chiss by itself, odd, bizai-re, bill iiol rare. The Siil)-Class inriicates lis general a ppe.iranee; the Order inr-lndes the I'niiic and lliose Ml lie sugared po'mnies-de-rthere wliii-li cnnie in ebislei's of
three and are usually left in the triplet formation. The title of the Sub-Order is a well known French expletive, meaning; "toward an obscure des- tination." The genus requires no genius to understanil, l>ut tlie species desertus indicates the reaction of Homo sapiens on it, that is, a
OwiDu/i
'poaHjm ryjar
negative accompaniynent of the deserted dessert.
The Prune is a non-succulent devoid, having a slight i)rojection on the front known as the panteria. This is the part by which it is placed in the pan, the panhandle so to speak. The malniitriuK is an impossible underspasm. The fi/ebers are tough, solid strips with a powerful defense. The POSTUM REAR indicates that they follow breakfast food eagerly. They are inadvertently fossil, however. The EXTER- MINATUS; the name indicates the tendency; is the (s)hell-like outer region. The INFERNIS is the horror horribilium of the Prune, which is exceeded in low character of texture only by the GONBIUS, an area which increases in size as the specimen adds birthda^ys. This, Phil- osophomores, et al., is the Zoology of the Prune. Specimens may be seen at Draper Museum, where there is no caretaker and where the Curator doesn't do his duty.
Physically — but it isn't all coming now, NO, "not by any means."
Continued in our next — The Squib article, not the genuine article — we hope not the latter. Meanwhile, beware.
\ ,
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"Had I a home Colonial, with furnishings baronial, I miglil. feel matrimonial — but NOT on six a week.
THE SQUIB
THANKSGIVING
B/1-LOTAHE
f/earfresh t-^rh^^ HarJUodsJpofahs
JJurn dum^
he
Ice l/cLter
HEROES
Some heroes, probably the first time they did it. Moral: Never again.
#
SONG FOR THANKSGIVING
(Sung to — We're on the field)
WHEN around the dish you slide and slip And do gymnastics jerky It's tough on you, but don't you think
It's tougher on the turkey? Then rally around the table boys, and tickle the bird a bit For if you've had experience, j^ou'll know just where to hit
(Chorus) Then crash through the turkey boys?
And batter down it's wings Eat! Eat! As much as you can, until you're satisfied For Thanksgiving day is here. Rah! Rah! Then remove one of it's legs,
And partake of a little bread Use a little gravy, and you'll soon be hazy Swallow a little piece of its heart F. O. B. AMHERST For you'll then be ready to depart
Is it good sound farm practice to play football? To eternity where dreaiis come true.
19
THE SQUIB
FOOTBALL EXPRESSIONS
50—50 Who is going to get her?
20
THE SQUIB
ENTOMOLOGY WHILE YOU WAIT
The Earwigs
THESE insects were formerly called earwiggles, due to their annoying habit of wiggling their ears whenever an enemy approached. In the course of time, the name has been shortened, but the ears appear to be as long as ever. The earwigs are characterized bj^ a small pin-shaped head, and mouth-parts for chewing and spitting. They take their food wherever they can get it, and are said to be unsanitary in their personal habits. Earwigs travel chiefly by night, but as they do not carry a light it is hard to find them except by the smell. In some districts they ai-e very injurious, owing to their habit of eating the corks out of beer-bottles, and then falling into the bottles. To avoid this, the ingenious householder should open the beer bottles as soon as they are delivered, disposing of the contents in any way that appeals to him. Treatment: Where earwigs are too numerous and militant, steps should be taken to step on them. A man should never attack them single-handed: he will need the use of both hands and feet. For indoor work, the hunter will find it desirable to use a force of beaters. These beaters can be obtained at any rug and furniture store, for 25 cents each. In New Jersey, earwigs are exterminated by boring holes in the floor. The earwigs are unable to see the holes, as there is nothing there for them to see. Consequently they will fall down into the cellar, where they are killed by the accelera- tion ...
Which Will You Have, Boys, Chicken or Turkey.?
CHANGED
1^0 longer does he say "Goldarn,"
*~ "Gewhittaker '" nor yet "Consarn,"
Nor does he chew a wisp of straw
Or laugh with rasping Haw-Haw-Haw
Or dress in clothes that do not fit.
Or with fool schemes get often bit.
He drives no shaggy, limping "skate"
His motor car is up to date.
His clothing now is in the style
Sophisticated is his smile
His wife wears costumes in the mode
And modern quite is his abode.
His children all to college go
And system lets him profits show
He works, and yet has time to play —
This is the farmer of today.
A CONFESSION OF AN M. A. C. STUDENT.
¥ AM a Thanksgiver.
* I have a generous and grateful nature.
I also have a splendid appetite, depending on where I eat.
I also am always ready to have a holiday.
I look forward to the last Thursday in November with considerable pleasure, thinking of the "doings" in my own home town.
I know of course, that when I do get a square meal I am going to eat too much; but at the same time, I will have plenty of leisure in which to digest it.
I have a vague notion, furthermore, that I am somehow eating in a good cause.
I conclude that all the Hash House Guards are in the same boat, and that as a matter of fact, it is a hollow ceremony, without force or effect, except perhaps, as a sacrifice to the God of Gluttony.
I am sorry to reach this conclusion but I can find no other way out of it.
I am a Thanksgiver.
21
THE SQUIB
NOTICE ^X7E have procured the services of Miss Sau ' ' Sage at a very high compensation, to conduct a matrimonial bureau, using the columns of this paper as a medium. She will upon request, if satisfactory references are furnished, secure introductions to blonds, brunettes, or strawberry blonds, according to individual taste.
She will also answer all questions regarding love, sentiment and marriage (also divorce, if necessarj') .
Below you will find letters from two love- smitten swains with the valuable advice Miss Sau Sage has given in answer to same. Dear Miss Sau Sage:
I am a young gentleman (if I may call myself such) of uncertain age, deficient in the knowledge of love. I am in love with a beautiful blond, yet I am not certain that I do love her. My symptoms are peculiar. I adore her when in her comjDany, but when away from her my thoughts wander to some other blond. What would you do? Give her up and never see her again. ^
Thanking you for your kind consideration, I am.
Your
Hopeless Jack. P. S. She is very rich. Dear Hopeless Jack:
To judge from your letter I should say there are a FEW things you don't know. Of course if you will meet me some evening, I'll soon tell you if you are a gentlemen or not, and perhaps I will be able to tell you approximately how old you are also.
I'd advise you to stick to her and marry her as soon as pos.sible, and if it is still a case of "out of sight, out of mind", just extract her money and shoot up the town with the other blond.
COPH: I understand they've adopted military *^ training at Smith.
Fre.sh: Gwan.
Soph: Straight dope, (io over to Hamp any Saturday — you'll see half of Smith College up in arms.
CHE: Do you use tlic Moiilessori system at *^ Aggie?
He: Xo, we use tlic iJrides svstcm.
f INKS— What's that fellow eating toast for? I didn't know he was an athlete. Skinks — Oh, he'.s Iniiiiing for lljc ucxl iiif(ii-m;il.
Dear Miss Sau Sage:
Last week I attended a party at the home of a friend, and there I met a charming young lady whom I would like to get better acquainted with. She has a beautiful face, but she weighs 210 pounds. I am asking your advice as to how I could hug her. Yours in doubt,
I. M. Nuttie. My dear I. M. Nuttie:
My advice to you is to tear this fair vision out of your heart at once, and think no more of her. In the first place it would be rather damaging to parlor furniture which would have to support you while courting, and secondly it would be rather damaging to your pocket book after marriage to feed and clothe this baby elephant.
If, however, your affections have liecome so fir:aily rooted that they cannot be uprooted try this formula in hugging her.
Take a piece of chalk in either hand and when you have your arms around her as far as you can reach, make a chalk mark to show where you left off, then go around to tlie other side and make up the deficiency. I hope this will help you out of your embarrassing position.
DE MEAT OF IT jTVEY say dat turkeys am outer sight, *-' But what do ah care fer dat? Dey say de taters done got de blight. But what do ah care fer dat? Lor bress yer, honey, 'taint what yer eat, Dat makes T'anksgiliben day so sweet; 'Tis de smile an' laugh, an' grasp er dc hand! Dat makes dat day so mighty gran'. So don' yer mind what de croakers say, But meet all folks in yer hapjiies' way, Fei- dill's what makes T'anksgibben day.
22
THE SQUIB
THANKSGIVING HERE AND THERE
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Just to Bring a few Memories Back to You (Sobs) And to think winter is coming soon.
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SOON? Just Released by the SOAP FILM SYNDICATE DAIVD LASKY PRESENTS LULU LOCKE (SMITH) in
"A MURDERER'S LOVE"
WILL APPEAR AT THE FOLLOWING THEATRES,
Howard Athaeneum, Boston. Gaiety Theatre, Boston Poli's Palace, Springfield Aggie Movietorium, Amherst.
DELINQUENCY BLANK
Millinery Department,
Amherst, Mass., June 1, 1920 The Adjutant, Corps of Cadets:
Sir: — The following Cadets are reported for Horrid Behavior:
NAMES DELINQUENCY
Algernon Dub
Percy Frankfurt Cholley Pinochle Reginald Rausmitem Willie Winkle
Using rank language in the ranks.
(Culprit said "piffle").
Failure to have nose pow- dered.
Black shoes (instead of dancing pumps).
Giggling at the Com- mandant.
Failure to bring Official Book of Etiquette and Dancing Regulations.
THE SQUIB=
THE PROGRESS OF HASHING A PIN-DERRICK ODE THE STOVE
HOW we miss thee, old Dog-cart Without thee now the place is bare; Though many others do upstart, Like Aggie Inn, now standing there. 'Tis crowded with them, but I miss Thee, old Dog-Cart, and all that bliss Which once was mine, with coffee and with roll: Late breakfast, supper, lunch and midday loll. Those were the happy days of youth, With credit good, though dimes were few; I shared the stories told, forsooth, And mustard drove away the blue. The broken steps, the rich red glass, We often watched — and cut a class. # THE UNDERTOAV
THEN came the change; commercial chance Upon the campus brought me then; They took thee off, a circumstance Removing thee from out my ken. And now — I sit down to a table And eat what-not, as best I'm able. There is a weary bill of fare. Without thine old esthetic air; And now with muffin and with beans I choke and think of other scenes That was the life, in good Bohemia's school, When you could sing and kick and tilt your stool.
THE ANTIDOTE
13 UT while I pay my board
•*-' For four weeks at a time,
I fain would give my scanty hoard
To be with thee, the object of my rime.
The Chicken dinners have to me no taste,
The weakly ice cream is a weakly waste;
I feebly play with napkin, knife and fork,
I sit and ponder — no desire to talk.
Ah, would that I could rise tomorrow morn
And to thy welcome door fast run,
No linen tablecloth, no signing on.
Just bowl, and spoon, and flakes — that's fun.
That cannot be; but I know why
My eye grows bright, my throat grows dry.
When mention's made of good old days,
My heart for one more banquet prays.
But if in thy new town thou seest my grin.
Slide open wide the door and I'll come in.
PEPTONES
PADDLE your own canoe — and every Fresh- man. Buy THE SQUIB or be a Simple Sponge ("I Grantia that.")
For a mental stimulus — read "The Collegian." Wed., Nov. 17, 6 p. m.: Don't sew on the button, do not clean your gun.
For the D — d — drill is over, and our victory is won.
George Ray '16, L. H. Johnson,
CONTRIBUTERS J. F. Whitney '17, A. Campbell
L. C. Higgins '18, E. B. Hill '17
THE LAST
25
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IPictiue Jfraniintj J. Murphy '16 P. C. Harlow '17 Agents for Miller Co., Northampton |
Our Motto is "SERVICE" |
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**Ye Aggie Inn" "EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" |
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Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store |
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You Want the Best Fountain Pen on the Market Safety is the Pen A Self-filling Pen, Ground to Your Own Handwriting C. H. HALLETT, '17 88 Pleasant St. |
College Barber Spencer '18 HOURS: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. Wednesday. 6.30 to 8.00 p. m. x •! i A i" I CI Saturday, 8.00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. 1 oilet Articles on aale |
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Class and Fraternity Pipes Mountings in Silver Initials on ferrule M and numerals on bowl See CHIP BOYD or WILLIS '19 |
A gift that will spread Massachusetts over the country and is sure to please Christmas Sale of Banners At the College Store Get our prices before buying elsewhere |
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GOOD ENOUGH, AFTER ALL "I cm givz you a cold bite," said the woiian. "Why not war:n it up?" asked the tramp. "There ain't any wood sawed." "So? Well, give it to me cold." — New Vorl: Sim. |
ACADEMY OF MUSIC PROGRAM LADIES FIRST Indignant Husband (to man who, while stand- ing in a train, has been thrown against a lady and used bad language) — How dare you swear, sir, before my Avife? Passenger — I'm awfully sorry, sir — A-ery sorry indeed! You see I didn't know your wife wanted to swear first. — Sfrai/ Stories. |
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THE FAMOUS NEW YORK Kirkpatrick Shoe Exclusive Lasts |
Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate 1 heme or Practice Paper Ruled or Unruled Punched |
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500 Sheets - 70 Cents LATHAM '17 MERRILL '17 |
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BOYD '18 WILLIS '19 |
THE :MEX who AI)\ER:JTSE have SOMETHIX(i WORTH OFFERING
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
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G, Henry Clark iUatcb maker and Iciocler Fine Watch repairing of all grades of American and Swiss makes. French and American Clocks repaired and guaranteed, will call for and return. Official Watch Inspector for B. & M. R.R. 76 Main St., Northampton |
Prices Carved for 1 hanksging lime Traders at Daniel's MIGHTY SAVINGS and a MONSTER STOCK Daniel's prices are possible only to Daniel and are produced through immense spot cash buying direct from manufacturers — not through any scrimping in value. OVERCOATS Sensational Selling at $9.98, $12.50, $15.00 HARRY DAN I FJ, Northampton, Mass. |
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" lOHNNIE!" J "Yes'm." "Why are you sitting on that boy's face.'" "Why, I—" "Did I not tell you to always count a hundred before you gave way to passion and struck another boy.''" "Yes'm, and I'm doin' it; I'm just sittin' on his face so he'll be here when I'm done countin' the hundred." — Houston Post. |
FATHER'S KIND li^ OTHER— AVhat kind of a show did papa A'^ take j'ou to see while you wei-e in the city.'' BOBBIE — It was a dandy show, mama, with ladies dressed in stockings clear up to their necks. —Pud;. ¥ ¥E — Are your feet tired, darling.' ri Her— No. Why? He — Would you mind dancing on them.' Mine are. — Michigan Gargoyle. |
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Custom Clothes $15 to $50 GEORGE C. LEE Representing Browning, King Company Announces that he may be seen now at August Tailoring Rooms, Sherwin's New Block, on Wednesdays, other days by appointment. Address mail to South Deerfield, Mass. |
Order Cooking Specials When In Hamp Visit The Elms Restaurant Best Quality Food Moderate Prices C. J. PANOS, Proprietor 213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON |
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^^^\ Northampton Art Store \rl ^ ^pwtaltij Live Agents Wanted at M. A. C. At Once GET IN FOR CHRISTMAS BUSINESS Near Smith College |
PRIMA FACIE EVIDENCE Professor — You have a wonderful talent for painting ! Muriel — Dear me, professor, how interesting! how can you tell.' Professor — I see it in your face! # She — You're a fool to hesitate. He — Wise men hesitate — only fools are'certain. She — Are you sure? He — Certain. — Pennsylvania Punclihowl. |
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction at
/Fleming's ^oot Jhop
211 MAIN Street
NORTHAMPTON,
MASS.
E. Alberts
IRegal Sboes
FOR YOUNG MEN
241 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
NO CLUE
JNIaud — What was in that last package you opened?
Beatrix — My Christmas present from Aunt Janie.
Maud— What is it?
Beatrix (ghxncing at gift-bag) — She has neglected to say.
— Life.
AGAIN THE TEMPTER
The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In thanking him she said:
"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden."
"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in the Garden of Eden."
— Tit- Bits.
#
"But I haven't enough work to keep an able- bodied man like you busy." "Oh, I sha'n't mind that."
— Houston Post.
BECKMANN'S
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies & Ice Cream
247-249 Main Street
Northampton
ARTHUR P. WOOD
^he JeWel Store
Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL
197 Main St. Northampton, Mass.
, Telephone 1307-M
Opticians
Particular Merit
O. I. Dewhurst
201 MAIN ST.
Opp. City Hall Northampton
Telephone 184-W
AMBIGUOUS
Uncle Sol threw aside the letter he was reading and uttered an exclamation of inrpatience.
"Doggone!" he cried, "why can't people be more explicit?"
"Wliat's the matter, pa?" asked Aunt Sue.
"This letter from liome," Uncle Sol answered, "says father fell out of tlie old apple tree and broke a limb."
— Young stown Telegram.
THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
PHELPS & GARE
112 Main Street Northampton, Mass.
"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over our stock at any time.
RAHAR'S INN
Northampton , Massachusetts
EUROPEAN PLAN
The Best Place To Dine
GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED
ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD
50-CENT LUNCHEON FROM 11-30 TO 2 P. M.
Special Dishes at All Hours
R. J. RAHAR, Prop.
A HAPPY POSSIBILITY
"Let's drop into this restaurant." "I don't believe I care to eat anything." "Well, come in and get a new hat for your old one, anyway."
— Boston Transcript.
She — I cannot accept the offer of your love. He — I will he just as well satisfied if you return it. — Baltimore American.
TREBLA BROS.
Wholesalers and Retailers
IN
FRUIT & PRODUCE
Tel. 665
265 MAIN ST
Northampton, Mass.
R. F. Armstrong & Son
A Pleasing Fit Here
Always
Until a man is satisfied with the fit of his clothes We're not satis- fied to take his money — the transac- tion is closed only after the fit is right.
Cheerfully we make needed alter- ations— cheerfully plan to please. Why not since a man's trade is won, and held, only when things go right? We've got to please with the fit if We expect to profit through faith of the man who comes here to buy.
Prices $8.00 to $25.00
80 Main St., Northampton, Mass.
Competition Still On
Business and Editorial Department
Men Wanted From Each Class
Hand Names in at Once
"Is she really musical.^"
"A genuine artist. You should hear her refrain from singing."
—Life.
Mr. Borem — Shall we talk or dance .^ jNIiss Weereight — I'm A-ery tired. Let us dance.
— Boston Transcript.
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
Jhe J4otel is)orthy
The Home of College Men When in Springfield
Special Attention to College Dinners
Centrally Located Exceptional Cuisine
Complete in all Appointments
303 MAIN STREET
Two Minutes Walk From the Station
It is better to have your
U^rinting
Done by Us than to wish you had
Excelsior Printing Co.
IPrintitiG— IRuling— BinMno
North Adams, Mass.
Transcript Photo Engraving Company
NORTH ADAMS, MASS.
Engravers of Merit
We Solicit Work in College Publications Get Our Rates
oLC 'Z a 1915
PLYMOUTH INN
A High- Class Hotel desirably located for
College IPatronage
Especially suited to the requirements of
tourists on account of its pleasant
location
American and European Plans Special Attention to Banquets
I. M. LABROVITZ
The Quality Tailor
HE season for dress suits is coming again.
Every collage man needs one, and a dress suit should of all clothes be tailor made. Due to the the dull season for tailors, I am offering now special rates.
Every garment to be of perfect fit and best material.
Next time you're down town come in and let me show you.
Dress suits for rent
(Spittlpmfu'a iffitrntal)tng ^oaba
179 MAIN ST., NORTHAMPTON
Our clothes have that perfect style, that puts the dash into a man's appearance.
Our shoes add the snap that counts,
And our Haberdashery completes the smart- ness that is so necessary for the college man.
A visit will convince you.
Advertising Chats
® ®
Do you realize that the fifteen cents you paid for this number is just about onehalf of its individual publishing cost.
The men who bought space in the Squib are the ones who paid the rest.
. Just as a courtesy to them, next time you have occasion to purchase something give them a chance to show you what they have to offer.
They vv^ill appreciate it too, if you just mention that you noticed their ad in the Squib.
Squibby takes this opportunity to wish all its advertisers and supporters a Very Merry Christ- mas and may your next year be even more prosperous than the one just past.
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
"The Machine You Will Eventually Buy"
Ifnden^ood J't/pewriter
The Solid, Speedy Machine That Will Give the Best Results for the Longest Time Easy Payment
I
Fl
IB
ilOd
Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST.
C. H. PRENTICE, Manager
Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres.
Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier
First National Bank
Northampton
Do Your Banking Business with Us.
Deposits Received by Mail will
be Promptly Acknowledged
School and College
ipbotOGrapbers
mms)
52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass.
IFDeabquaitets
For Full Dress Suits and Accessories for the Copley Plaza Concert
Sanderson & Thompson
Highland Hotel
Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY New York City
The headquarters for Aggie men, when they are in Springfield. Its excellent cuisine and pleasant atmosphere makes every meal leave a pleasant memory.
Music every evening.
Springfield, Mass.
CO-OPERxVTE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
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Compliments of \l. D. Marsi Rstate STUDENT FURNITURE |
Get in Practice for the Winter Tournaments at Metcalf's Bowling Alleys Alleys May be Reserved in Advance |
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Take Thought! Take Heed! With several other companies competing, lasts year's senior committee voted unanimously to let Barlow insure them in the Connecticut General — a company in which most of the seniors were personally insured already. See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank |
"The Store with the College Atmosphere" College Drug Store ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES |
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THE LUCKLESS HUNTER TTHE hunter had but little luck *■ For he was out to shoot a buck; He shot a farmer's cow instead, Worth fifty bucks, the farmer said. Rumble — "One of the penalties of great pop- ularity." |
For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring Your Guests to the Amherst House Catering to House Parties a Specialty |
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Wholesome old fashion food served in the most modern manner at the COLONIAL INN At the entrance to the campus |
Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds You of Home North h.nd Lunch On the Left as You Enter the Campus |
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JUST RECEIVED 1918 and 1919 College Stationery Start the New Year right by. having a good diary. A large assortment at A. J. HASTINGS News Dealer and Stationer |
THE MOTOR MAID There was a young maid of Detroit, Who at driving her car was adroit. But her speed was too great, And her turn came too late, And so the young lady was hoit. — Tiger. |
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GILMORE THKATRE THE HOME OF BURLESQUE Four Days Every Week. Beginning Wednesday MATINEE DAILY |
HENRY ADAMS CO. Z\)C fID. H. (I. Druooists & Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco The Rexall Store |
THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
Uj
^STmassQ
^ ((HP
m
PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE
F. C. LARSON '17 L. T. BUCKMAN '17
Editor-in-Chief Associate Editor
A. E. LINDQUIST '16 H. M. WARREN '17
Circulating Editor
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C. H. HALLET '17 |
Art Editors F. K. BAKER '18 H. A. PRATT '17 |
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$1.50 A YEAR |
"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 15 CENTS A COPY |
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Published Once A Month |
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All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; literary communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. |
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Vol. II. |
DECEMBER, 1915 No. 6 |
IGH not, kind readers, if it be in your hearts at this mo- ment loudly to berate your old friend Squibby, by reason of th's, his modest girth and un- pretentiousness at this festive season, reflect yet a moment. For this, assuredly ye must be aware, is a wild and woolly time, wherein is no man's peace of niind more safe than is the right of the freshman to live unmolested. For it is the Yule- tide, and the present-hunter is abroad in the land, and even so the presentee emulates the example of the small boy and evinces a sudflen willingness to accommodate. Moreover, profs in prodigious profusion prepare to prod, and even as we write engage in that pastime with great glee, keeping a satisfied eye on a little square l)oard with great quantities of symbolic red ink obscuring its once fair face. So be not wroth, for Sqidbbij is but agglomerated flesh and blood like the rest of us, and has to lione for the next quiz and face the terrors of the Triuinvirate and fkj his devoirs by hill and strea/n — and Informal — and buy neckties anrl souvenir calendars even as you and I. Perliaps — who knows? — a celel^ration niimber may appear after we find out. whether or not we have succeeded in departing this — cam])us. Wherefore is the Christmas .season, anyhow.^ Methinks 'twould seem exceeding strange, not to say laughable, to a Fiji Islander, for instance, to see a conglomeration of so-called civilized ])eoi)le
26
*
THE SQUIB
gv rushing' )n:ully about the Uiiidscape, armed with "Christmas lists," frantically hunting presents to be used in the great American game whose chief rule of play is to give out just a wee mite more than is taken in.
Christmas is approaching and Squibbij finds trouble in composition in his endeavors to greet his readers. As we find him sitting at his desk racking his brains, we hear him mutter to himself:
"I am trying to greet the Students and the Faculty. Now what shall I say? Compliments of tlie season — that is not original and too commonplace."
"Supposing I say, again the tide of time — oh bosh!"
"May your cup of plenty be ever filled to overflowing with happiness, joj' — oh, too flowery."
"May Christmastide strew into your path to the alter of happiness roses of succes.s — oh piffle."
"May the Christmas Star be upon your brow the diadem of happiness — oh tripe. "
"Ah, I've got it, I'll just say,
"A MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR."
The board of the Squib are not desirous of knocking the knockers for they glory in all hammer and anvil work, but the staff would like to have a magic line of readers of which you should be one. Thus a'l the readers of Squibby, their fingers touching, would reach in a continuous line from the waiting station to the town hall. The editors are glad to receive all criticisms and competitors in the various positions on the staft' are wanted. Give your friend a year's subscription as a Xmas present.
January is a state of weather and other things that we are compelled to accept, but would rather (1(1 without. During its thirty-one trying days would it not be a good idea to establish a fraternity Ijowling league similar to the Sun Rise League. A cup has been oft'ered if the fraternities are desirous of forming such league.
WHO'S WHO AT M. A. C.
A
mprrg Xmaa
A N?m f par
'PREXY'
27
THE SQUIB
'4
28
AND THE TURKEY SHALL LEAD THEM HOME
THE SQUIB
^S
"MASSACHUSETTS Agricultural Col- lege offers course in cooking by corre- spondence." Exclusively to males, pre- sumably.
AN observant citizen saw the above item in the Boston Globe the other day and imme- diately wanted to know all the why's and where- fore's.
We don't know why or wherefore but perhaps it is a new form of "preparedness." Evidently the faculty has the future welfare of the boys in mind and have provided this course, so that after four years of suffering at the hash-house thej' will at least be able to cook themselves a scjuare meal when they are through.
Here is a rare opportunity for the girls. After they are married, no need to rise early. Just let hubby get up and s r re them a delicious breakfast in bed. And no use for them to hui-ry home from their bridge party in the afternoon to get dinner for hubby can cook much better. Pretty soft!
Or perhaps too many alumni have passed to regions beyond lately from indigestion or similar causes, and the faculty have made up their minds not to let any more of their precious charges risk their sweet young lives at the hands of scheming designing women who are after their life insurance. Of course it is to be hoped that the boys will be wise enough to look up the fair correspondents when they are ready to settle down, and make sure of three good "squares" a day anyway. Never mind her looks or disposi- tion if only she is a good cook.
To cook a pot of Boston Beans Or serve an Irish Stew A college course is quite the thing By mail it's sent to you.
You change the damper in the stove Then glance into your book And break an egg, if one you have, Then take another look.
In former years you went to leai-n
To be an L. L. D.
But things have changed a lot since then
At least at M. A. C.
No longer now you want M. D. And cure dumb, blind and deaf But rather add unto your name The title C-H-E-F.
BACHELOR OF COOKIWG
POPULAR SONGS
Words — by Shakespeare
Music — by orchestra of Ford's Peace Mission.
PINK PAJAMAS
Tune — Merry Widow Waltz I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's
hot, I wear my flannel nightie in the summer when
it's not; But sometimes in the springtime
And sometimes in the fall, I crawl right in between the sheets,
With nothing on at all!
HERPICIDE
Tune — Harrigan H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E spells Herpicide, Only thing on earth that makes your hair grow, Really makes you look just like a scarecrow, H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E you see First you rub it, then you scrub it, Then you scrub it, then you rub it. And it's Hair again On me.
IF NOT WHY NOT?
THE instructor fails to apjDcar at the ten- minute bell on a day before a holiday. The class does not know whether to "bolt" or not until a bright one utters:
"If we get a bolt today, we get another one next week because it's 24 hours before a holiday."
29
THE SQUIB
EPISODE 16
The Boy Wonder in the Berkshires; or, The Correct Thing in Dogging Deer
" , k'
^S
Scene 1;
Our Boy Wonder with his custom- ary sagacity and keen foresight de- tects the presence of a large male Bull-Deer lurking on the brow of a lull.
Scene 2:
With his eagle eye our B. W. esti- mates the distance as an even 1,000 yards and acts accordingly, /. e., by hurling aside coat and gun and tak- ing the approved position of the Start and swallowing knife.
Scene 3:
Not much here except a STRIDE and a surprised B-D.
Scene 4:
The Eull-Deer is fascinated by the approach of this smooth working athletic machine, and watches those wonderful arms and twinkling legs a second too long for our Hero with a ninth inning spurt overtakes her and grabs her caudal extremity with his bare gloves.
Scene 5:
As to what happened here, ac- counts vary; some say that our Hero slapped her wrist, others that he blew his hot breath right on her. at any rate we are sure that he acted as a true Nimrod should, so there.
Scene 6:
Here our hero reaches the zenith of his glory the large Bull-Deer is vanquished, her toes are up in the air and she has taken the count, and our Boy Wonder, who let us state is without a peer, has a record of his first kill made on the spot, which backs up, £ill his line.
W
30
KIXD-HEARTED
HAT I Scold because I stole a kiss! What nonsense do I hear? I'm sure I Avouldn't mind a l)it If you kissed nie, my dear.
THE PICNIC GIRL 'HE'S gold of hair and blue of eye, * She never keeps her hat on,
And always puts the custard pie Just where it will be sat on.
THE SQUIB=
'*
ENTOMOLOGY WHILE YOU WAIT
SiL-vEB Fish
THIS is the most economical member of the Apterygota family, for the simple reason that it is not to be found during the winter months, and so has no need for a winter over- coat. Years ago, the United States Government used this interesting beast in making silver specie, but Bryan discovered this fact and since then they have not been able to get away with the deception. It may be found in stagnant pools, such as the College Pond, but will not be found among the gold fish in a public fountain. Doctor Guzzler of Maine reports to have found it in several silver fizzes purchased at a bar in Bangor, but this is not to be taken as an indica- tion that silver fizzes were named for this insect. This insect is small and has the distressing habit of crawling up limbs — of trees — but this is not the cause of the recent fad of ankle-furs among the fairer sex. It is especially partial to cotton- wood trees, since its favorite food is to be found among the cotton and woolen textiles. When flying at night, it is reported to give off a faint silver light, which was found to be very useful in the dorms after mid-night. A great scarcity of the insect has been noticed on the campus of late, so Heat and Light has been required to give all-night service since then. The word "fish" implies that this insect bears fins, and this offers an easy means of capture, it being necessary to merely grasp firmly by the dorsal fin. Silver fish are partial to salt petre, hence hash house cofl^ee is recommended as a good bait.
(S>
ADVICE TO LOVELORN Dear Miss Sau Sage:
I am a very good looking young man, twenty- three years old, and am very popular with the girls. I never allow the opposite sex to kiss me, but tlie other night at a party, a young lady put her arms around me and kissed me, and I didn't resist her much to my own surprise. While I know it is very wicked, I have let the same young lady kiss me several times since.
AVhat I want to know is — am I doing wrong, or is it proper for her to kiss me.^
Yours,
Alonzo. Dear Alonzo:
You poor misguided boy, I know what ails you — you have not been properly brought up.
Of course you are wrong in letting that girl kiss you. Absolutelj^ dead wi-ong. Did you ever hear of a MAN letting a girl kiss him!-' But pei-haps you don't know how. If yovi are rich, I'll volunteer to give you a few lessons.
Dear Miss Sau Sage:
For three months I have been keeping company with a man whom I love dearly.
Now, when I was eighteen I had a serious illness and since then I have had to wear some false hair imported from China. I did not live here in Amherst then, so no one knew this, and I never could get the courage to tell my friend about it though it made me feel badly when he admired my hair. The other Sunday while walking on the Campus with my friend a brisk wind blew both my hat and hair from my head.
It was so humiliating I thought I would never reach home, but he said not to feel badly, that he didn't mind it, but he has not written or called on me since. What shall I do? My heart is broken.
Yours,
Miss Hairigan. Dear Miss Hairigan:
The best thing you can do is to forget this man and get another sucker who does not know that you haven't any hair. First of all go to a drug store and get the following prescription; Williams Shaving Powder one ounce, kerosene emulsion two ounces, one drop of Tincture of rat poison, one bottle of Le Pages glue. Take this internally and hairs will soon appear on your cranium. For even a little hair of your own is better than a crowning glorj^ that threatens to come oft' at the most inopportune moments.
Dear Miss Sau Sage:
Last week I attended The Dansant at the Nonotuck. Is it proper to take cream, sugar and lemon in the tea at the same time? I want to get my money's worth. And which hand shall I stir the tea with?
Oscar H. Oscar H.:
The lemon should not really be used, but is simply served as a means of making one's fingers sticky and ijnparting an unfavorable odor to the flippers. I should advise that you use the spoon which they will undoubtedly be supplied, as this appears better in the best company.
Miss Sau Sage.
(S)
LOGIC
WE are told that we should study practical things. Why? The answer is simple: in order that we may make money. Why should we wish to malce money? Well, er-r, so that we may gain a "competence." And ichy should toe desire a "competence'''^ Chiefly, so that we may send our children to college. But why shall loe want to send our children to collec/e? What an absurd question! In order that they may study practical things.
31
THE SQUIB
nPHERE is a man at M. A. C.
^ Who visits Smith quite frequently And when he finds a girl he likes And in some corner holds her tight She leans towards him and says "My Dear" Won't you take me to the Prom this year?
AT THE GLEE CLUB CONCERT
"V^'OUNG MAN (to his partner)— "Oh yes, it ■^ is a mighty fine thing to go to college, such a lovely place, you know."
"Yes, I've heard so much about the college and the men there that I almost feel as though I knew them myself."
"Who do you know up there.''"
"Oh, not many. Do you know Mr. (list of ten or a dozen names.''")
"Oh, yes, I know them. All corking good f t'llows, too."
"And what class are you in.''"
"1020." 32
EVOLUTION
ONCE upon a time chaos reigned. Then rebulae appeared, and from heated cloud- wrack the world was formed. Animal life came into being, amebas grew into monkeys, and monkeys grew into men. An education system was founded and colleges developed. Finally, Aggie came into existence, with its customs and traditions, its sophomores, its fraternities, its athletic teams, and other interesting features. How wonderful is evolution! We started with chaos, and we end with — ?
THE SQUIB
IF OUR PROFS WERE TO WRITE SHORT
STORIES, WHAT SORT OF SHORT
STORIES WOULD THEY WRITE?
(Editor's Note — We publish below the first of a series of short stories, which we are sure will interest our readers and promote the cause of humanity in general. It will be noted that each story is printed under an assumed name, and that every precaution is taken to hide the author's true identity: our contributors have requested this, since they realize that any evidences of a literary tendency would mmediately imperil their standing.)
THE LURE OF THE LAND
or WHY IS THE SOIL POROUS?
(By Skid Skaskell)
HENRY McHENRY was married, but t.hat was not the reason why he was sad. He was sad because life on the farm had not proved to be the round of golden idleness which Curst's Magazine had prophesied. When he removed from the teeming suburbs of Ipswich to the untrodden M'ilderness of the hintei-land, he had expected to reap the fruits of rustic prosperity. He had expected to cast his bread upon the waters, and have it return to him with that incre- ment which is the reward of virtue and of careful attention to one's bank account. He had expected to make two potatoes grow where only an onion had grown before.
But instead of this, behold what disillusion- ment was in store for our hero. He had no sooner become fairly established in his rural venture than Trouble began to lift its hydra head. His radishes and ruta-bagas, anemic at the start, went off on a decline. His corn was thin and spindle-shanked, and his potatoes were emashiated. In his apple orchard the cut worm cut the rootlets, and the bookworm hooked the fruit. His turkeys died of blackhead, his chickens died of yellow fever, his cow contracted gang-green, and his albino rabbits all had the pink-eye. The onion-shed was shedding its shingles, the corn-crib was full of holes, the kindling wood was all shot to pieces, and even the piano was on its last legs.
What could be done to remedy this condition of general decay? No wonder McHenry was sad. He was so sad it kept him awake nights; unquestionably his life was a total failure — all because he had never learned the secret of Sound Farm Practice. Let us pause, gentle reader, and drop a sympathetic tear for our hero in his predicament.
ON TO THE COSTLY PLEASURE DANCE
But as we shall now see, McHenry's redemp- tion was not wholly beyond the range of pos- sibility. Having heard of Aggie (through its foot- ball team) he determined to attend the Short Course and take the degree. For ten weeks he haunted the lectures where men of wisdom hold forth mightily, hot-airing their views on every subject from superphosphate to superman. For ten weeks he ingested, absorbed and secreted Agronomy, and when at the end of that period he returned home (F. O. B. Amherst) all his rdiatives proclaimed that he was a changed man. He was so different even the corn-feds didn't know him, when he went out to resume charge of their training table.
From that time the farm began steadily to improve. By judicious applications of calcium phosphate, sodium nitrate, potassium cyanide, Bordeaux mixture. Kerosene emulsion, creosote, and whitewash, the limy fields were made acid and the acid land was made limy. The corn-feds grew fat on nothing but corn, the cow returned to her pristine vigor and bran middlings, the hens, which by this tine had learned the lay of the land, began to be singilxrly productive, and our persevering hero prospered exceedingly.
What moral, gentle readers, shall we draw from this simple tale of Rural Life? What moral shall be derived from this pious anecdote of True Worth Rewarded? Simply this: If at first you don't succeed, try, try. Skid Skaskell (The man who put the Sound in Sound Farm Prac- tise.)
POST-THANKSGIVING EXPRESSIONS
The Welcome Lamp-Post
33
THE SQUIB
34
A shriek, a moan, a screech, a groan
A grunt, a, scream, a cry, Witli howls and iniirinurs, greet ni;^' ears
'J'lie new years coming nigh.
THE SQUIB
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING x\GENCY
THE Squib , announces that it is prepared to conduct a mainiiioth Christmas Shopping Agency for the purpose of aiding those who may not have the opportunity of shojiping in the best stores, such as tliose unforlunales wlio must acknowledge such places as Arlington, Chelsea, and Dorchester as their homes. Simply send us a check which will alloM- for our com- mission above the cost of the desired article, mentioning for whom it is to be i)urchased, and ^\■e attend to the rest.
As suggestions, we cite the following list of articles which you will receive, and which may help in solving your own jjersonal jjroblem of What To Give:
"^'ou will no doubt receive from —
Father — A pound of tobacco that you would iiol think of carrying, even to su])])ly Edwards, Anderson, or Jeron:e.
Mother — A handsome sweater, in exchange for which, you might give a fur motoring coat.
Sister — A striking red neck-tie, which you would not dare to raffle off even among your worst enemies. • Brother — A hock ticket calling for Grand- father's watch if you will only redeem it.
Uncle Ben — A handsomely bound volume of "Lives of Eminent Statesmen." (A copy of "Three Weeks'" will be greatly appreciated in return.)
Aunt Sarah — The eighth volume in one of Henty's series. (You have received successive volumes each year since you were twelve. If you live long enough, you will eventually be the proud possessor of the entire set.)
Her — A manicuring set as a gentle hint. In return you might present one of Jimmie Halde- man's Laundry Kits.
And so it goes. Put entire faith in our Shopping Agency, and we guarantee satisfaction.
"Did yez iver shtop to think that half of the wox'ld don't know how the other half gets along?
"You're right," says Mike, "and neither does the other half".
If School Kepf X mass.
Things that never Happen. Social duties caused by the mistletoe
THE CALL OF THE SHEETS
How appealing the books are to us afteravacation!
35
THE SQUIB
WAS IT EVER THUS?
A PECULIAR PREDICAMENT OF A STUDENT WHILE
ENTERTAINING HIS MOUNT HOLYOKE
FRIEND ON AN AUTOMOBILE RIDE
Scene I — Stalled in Chicopee Fallfi hi/ a serious breakdown at 8 p. m.
He — "How wonderful it is, here in the moon- light, with the moon beams playing about us. On ray back, through the half open chasis of- my jitney, I can see two stars twinkle. They are the first stars of the evening. But, Jerusalexn cherries, where has the big dipper disappeared to.'' "
She — "AA^hat a strange event! AVhere can it be?"
He — "AVell, it's hard to say, but I've heard that Father Pluvius stole the dipper so that he could rush the growler to Hadley. The dipper had been stolen once before by some rogues in Arlington, but since, that town has gone dry, and the inhabitants are now occupied in chewing crumbs for the gold fish in the Public Gardens."
Scene II — A squirrel is passing in the road.
He — "Oh see the squirrel!" (He throws a nut from his xnaehine to him; but the squirrel scorns it) "I wonder vaguely why he hesitates."
(And above the stars).
(A drop of gasolene trickles slowly down my neck, and all else is silence, save the voice of the girl, who is explaining to me what to do and asking how far it is to college, and whether I am really hurrying.)
(Silence — and 9 p. m.)
He — "The squirrel has gone. Look! There is a host of stars."
(But the headlight was so provoked by the heavenly mutterings of the student that it flared up and went out, leaving them in total darkness.) Scene III — .
He — "Ah, ah! The battery has started feeding currents to the engine and is sparking with her in a most shocking fashion."
She — "Are we ready to start for home now?"
He — "Yes, it appears so, for the gears have fallen back to embrace each other, the tires, too, have taken on lots of airs."
She — " AVe must hurry, for it is nearly 9.15."
He — "Sure enough, we're off again, but look, the tires are much inflated, for they are hanging around the wheels, and are acting so soft with the gasolene (which was "tanked") that the flywheel is getting cranky, and behold! she has so exhausted the engine that she is choking and I must get out and fan her."
She — "Hurry, for I must be back to college by 9.45."
He — -"The engine is much relieved, and I hope that we do not have any more trouble." Scene IV.
(Thus our hero speeds to the college and his evening of enjoyment has passed to sweet memor- ies of his first experience with a jitney.) Scene V — His friend, talking to her roovi-mate after he has left.
Her room-mate — "A man of large caliber, isn't he?"
She — -"Yes, he is a big bore."
CONTRIBUTORS J. F. AVhitney '17 R. R. AVilloughby '18
H. Campbell L. H. Johnson
L. C. Higgins '18
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"The Mutual" Headquarters for |
Rumery & Fay |
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Winslow Skates |
Electrical and Gas Contracts |
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HOCKEY STICKS, SKATE STRAPS, |
Give your room that cosy glow that a table lamp gives, it helps your eyes wonderfully too. |
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PUCKS, ETC. |
AVe have a large variety of lamps and elec- |
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tric heaters at prices that are easily within |
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The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. |
your reach. |
36
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stiff f r00pf rt l^timt Perfectly appointed rooms for your guests Attractive Dining Room Exceptional Cuisine Telephone 8351 |
**For the Land's Sake" Bowker |
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The Place of Good Eats GRANGE STORE Come in and see our DISPLAY OF CANDIES Get Your Supplies Here for Those Evening Spreads |
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'*Ye Aggie Inn" "EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" |
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Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store |
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SEASONABLE Comes spicy autumn, freshly fair, And fickle as a hen: We doff our summer underwear, Then put it on again. AN IMPOSSIBILITY Dr. Crabbe had almost succeeded in dismissing Mrs. Gassoway, when she stopped in the doorway exclaiming, "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated. " "I know it isn't" said the doctor wearily. "You never find grass on a race track." |
J. GINSBURG Modern Shoe Repairing Buy a Shine Ticket— 23 Shines $1.00 Black or Tan Shoes in AMITY ST. AMHERST |
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College Barber Shop Basement North Dorm. 0pp. College Store HOURS: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. T«:Ut A.»:.Uo «r. Q,I« Saturday, 8 00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. 1 Ollet AftlCleS Oil Sale |
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Delicious Home-made Candy a the College Candy Kitchen ICE CREAM CIGARS AND TOBACCO Open until 12 |
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THE FAMOUS NEW YORK Kirkpatrick Shoe Exclusive Lasts Exceptional Value in Pumps BOYD '18 WILLIS '19 |
- Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate Iheme or Practice Paper Ruled or Unruled Punched |
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500 Sheets - 70 Cents LATHAM '17 MERRILL '17 |
MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS
PATRONIZE THESE MEN IN NORTHAMPTON OR HOLYOKE
The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction at
flemings ^oot Jhop
211 Main Street
The most complete line of Pumps for the coming winter
NORTHAMPTON,
MASS.
DOOLEY'S INN
HOLYOKE
The Happy Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie Men
MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS
BECKMANN'S
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies & Ice Cream
247-249 Main Street
Northampton
Opticians
of
Particular Merit
O.T. Dewhurst
201 MAIN ST.
Opp. City Hall Northampton Telephone 184-W
If you want to see new Winter Mackinaws, cut on new lines, this is the place to look.
Sweaters too, and all these new Overcoats that hit the college man's fancy.
Watch this Space for Our Prom Announcement in the Next Number
MERRITT CLARK & CO.
NORTHAMPTON
Compliments ot
A. J. GALLUP INC.
We sell
Hart SchafFner & Marx Clothes
293-297 HIGH ST.,
HOLYOKE, MASS.
ELABORATE PREVARICATION ' A ROLD-Who giv' yer yer black eye, Jimmie? **■ .limmie — No one. I was lookin' thro' a knot-hole in the fence at a football match, an' got it sunburnt.
— SIxetch (London).
THE MODERN MEDIUM
Modern Girl — "If you really loved me all the time, why didn't you let me know.^ "
Modern Youth — "I couldn't find a post card with the right words on it."
ARTHUR P. WOOD
^f>e JeWel Store
Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL
197 Main St. Northampton, Mass.
Telephone 1307-M
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
E. Alberts
IRegal Sboes
FOR YOUNG MEN
241 Main street Northampton
Order Cooking
Specials
When In Hamp Visit
The Elms Restaurant
Best Quality Food Moderate Prices
C. J. PANOS, Proprietor
213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
RAHAR'S INN
Northampton,
EUROPEAN
Massachusetts PLAN
The Best Place To Dine
GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED
ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD
50-CENT LUNCHEON FROM 11-30 TO 2 P. M.
Special Dishes at All Hours
R. J. RAHAR, Prop.
Compliments of
Burdick Opticians Co.
SHERWIN BLOCK
H. E. BURDICK, Optometrist
Especially Equipped for Perfect Fitting of Your Eyes
PHELPS & GARE
112 Main Street Northampton, Mass.
"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over our stock at any time.
R. Armstrong & Son
OUtrtHtmaB ^«rtings
You know how hard it is to get just the necktie you want. This year we beheve we assembled quite the finest collection of ties possible, we want therefore to invite you over to see them at your earliest chance.
If you cannot come before the holidays come directly after.
Dress suits for sale or rent
86 MAIN STREET
NORTHAMPTON
THE GIRL WITH THE CIGARETTE
She seemed so dainty where she sat There with a slender cigarette. Ah, she was vrell worth looking at! In fancy I behold her yet.
She seemed so dainty, sitting there, A lovelier maid I ne'er shall see With fingers that were slim and fair. She held the cigarette for me.
|c^^^\5^<al
WM0LE6ALEK6 & KE'CAILEISS PRUrr& PRODUCE
NORTHAMPTON. MASS.
Shrafts and Appolo Chocolates
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
^ancing
Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room.
Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 6 P.M.
SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER
$1.25 Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager
Special Service
Excellent Cuisine
Charles Wirth & Go's
Famous
GERMAN RESTAURANT
33, 35, and 43 Essex Street
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BOSTON MASS. |
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Chas, Wirth |
Chas. E. Alger |
T. Tandberg |
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Prop. |
Mgr. |
Asst. Mgr. |
It is better to have your
U^dnttHQ
Done by Us than to wish you had
Excelsior Printing Co.
printing -IRuling—Bin&inG
North Adams, Mass.
Transcript Photo Engraving Company
NORTH ADAMS, MASS.
Engravers of Merit
We Solicit Work in College Publications Get Our Rates
L
Tl-ic
^QUIB
^Ut< IC9VZ
w i-:2 i3i<.
PLYMOUTH INN
NORTHAMPTON, MASS.
A High- Class Hotel desirably located for
College IPatronage
Especially suited to the requirements of
tourists on account of its pleasant
location
American mtd European Plans Special Attention to Banquets
(liputkmpn'a jFurntalitng (lion&a
179 MAIN ST.. NORTHAMPTON
Our clothes have that perfect style, that puts the dash into a man's appearance.
Our shoes add the snap that counts,
And our Haberdashery completes the smart- ness that is so necessary for the college man.
A visit will convince you. Better make that visit before the "prom".
I. M. LABROVITZ
The Quality Tailor
Announces
That he has
A Complete Stock of
"Prom" Accessories
Send Her a Subscription to the SQUIB, orif not a subscription, send her a copy each month, she will surely like it.
The next Number of the SQUIB is to be dedicated to the alumni it's £oing to be a hummer, don't miss it.
Dress suits for rent
White Cloves Cleaned
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
Campion
FINE TAILORING
COLLEGE OUTFITTER
Ready to Wear Clothes
Dress Suits and Accessories for the "Prom.
School and College
IPbotOGvapbers
52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass.
Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY New York City
DRAPER HOTEL
NORTHAMPTON,
MASS.
We Solicit the M. A. C. Patronage
First Class Banquet Facilities
Wm. M. Kimball, Prop.
Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vic c-Pres
Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier
First National Bank
Northampton
Do Your Banking Business with Us.
Deposits Received by Mail will
be Promptly Acknowledged
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
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Perfectly appointed rooms for your guests Attractive Dining Room Exceptional Cuisine Telephone 8351 |
'BOLLES' College Shoes Latest Model Dancing Shoes and Pumps for the "Prom" Modern Repair Department |
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STATIONERY, BLANK BOOKS AND FOUNTAIN PENS 1918 and 1919 COLLEGE STATIONERY ^. G. Hastings NEWSDEALER AND STATIONER |
THE DIFFERENCE Inquiring Son — "Papa, what is reason?" Fond Parent — "Reason, my boy, is that which enables a man to determine what is right." Inquiring Son — "And what is instinct?" Fond Parent — "Instinct is that which tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not." |
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WHERE THE WORM TURNED "You are getting very bald, sir!" said the barber. "You yourself," retorted the customer, "are not free from a number of defects that I could mention if I cared to become personal." SOLEMN THOUGHT The greatest nutmeg must one day meet a grater. PROFESSIONAL ADVICE Photographer (taking plain-looking girl and her escort) — "Now try not to think of yourselves at all — think of something pleasant." ALWAYS SPEAK WELL OF THE DEAD "Dead men tell no tales," observed the sage. "Maybe not," replied the fool. "But their tombstones are awful liars." |
A word to the wise is sufficient See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank |
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College Barber Shop Basement North Dorm. Opp. College Store HOURS: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. X '1 & A !■ 1 CI Saturday, 8.00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. lOllet Articles OH Sale |
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Sanderson & 1 hompson Invite you to inspect Latest Full Dress Suits Shirts, Gloves, etc. You will want the latest and most proper at the Junior Promenade — we have it. |
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**Ye Aggie Inn" "EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" |
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Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store Ingersol Watches in Celluloid Cases $1.00 |
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
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Compliments of R. D. Marsh Estate STUDENT FURNITURE |
**For the I .and's Sake'' Bowker |
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Get in Practice for the Winter Tournaments at Metcalf's Bowling Alleys Alleys May be Reserved in Advance |
"The Store with the College Atmosphere" College Drug Store ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES |
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EDUCATION AT MT. HOLYOKE (From a College Calendar) Monday — Senior rope-jumping. Tuesday — Junior top-spinning. Wednesday — Freshman-Senior picnic. Confined to hall "bats" on account of the weather. |
For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring Your Guests to the Amherst House Fine Banquet Hall Catering to House Parties a Specialty |
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The curriculum at Mt. Holyoke is plainly too restricted. How about the Soph-Junior frolics the Sophomore doll-dressing and the Freshman ring-around-tlie-rosying ? L |
Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds You of Home North End Lunch On the Left as You Enter the Campus |
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Wholesome old fashion food served in |
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the most modern manner at the COLONIAL INN At the entrance to the campus |
THIS IS WHAT MAY IRWIN USED TO CALL "A FOX PASS" Lady Gushington (to gTeat tenoi-) — "You sang that last song beautifully. I was in the supper room, but I heard every word. You have im- proved; you have, really." The Great Tenor — "But — I have not sung; I am next!" |
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GILMORE THKATRE THE HOME OF BURLESQUE Four Days Every Week Beginning Wednesday MATINEE DAILY |
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HENRY ADAMS CO. 2)ru99ists §> Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco The Rexall Store |
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS
Caps and Gowns
Makers to
Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale and many others
Faculty Gowns and Hoods
Purple, Choir and Judical Robes
Cox Sons & Vining
72 Madison Ave., New York
^
dancing
Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room.
Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 6 P.M.
SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25
Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music)
GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager
"The Machine You Will Eventually Buy"
Underwood J't/pei^riter
The Solid, Speedy Machine That Will Give the Best Results for the Longest Time Easy Payment
f^^
11
Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST.
C. H. PRENTICE, Manager
Excellent
Dining Car
Service
Comfortable
Enjoyable
Travel
Best Trains West
12.45 p. m. 2.55 p. m.
4.37 p. m. -
7.25 p. m. ^
10.28 p. m.
Stop-over
Leave Springfield
-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and Chicago.
-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning.
-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago.
-For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, Saginaw, Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo. Cleveland and Chicago.
-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State points.
at Niagara Falls — no extra charge
Boston & Albany R. R.
(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee)
Inforination
Concerning Tickets
will be gladly
furnished
'newyork> [(ENTRAL)
^ LINES ^ ^
upon request to
James Gray, D. P. A.
119 Worthington St.,
Springfield, Mass.
MENTION THE SQUIB
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CABARETESQUE
A girl at the Prom A whirl at the Prom
Ha! ha! a hit. A smile — A wile —
The poor boy bit. But what is so rare as a dance at the Prom
PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE F. C. LARSON '17
Editor-in-Chief
A. E. LINDQUIST '16 Business Manager
C. H. HALLET '17 F
Art Editors K. BAKER '18
L. T. BUCKMAN '17 Associate Editor H. M. WARREN '17 Circulating Editor
H. A. PRATT '17
11.50 A YEAR
'QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE"
Published Once A Month
15 CENTS A COPY
All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; literary communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings.
Vol. II.
JANUARY, 1916
No. 7
GOOD-BYE GIRLS I'M THROUGH
QUIBBY could have made a banana look like a sick cucuxnber, for he swallowed hook, bob, and sinker in one gulp. His voice sounded like the noise of a Ford trying to make three miles on two drops of gasolene. The call of the wild was the cry of the civilized to him. In fact, he lisped and mentally he was but fifty per cent pure, having just enough Sapolio brightness to enable him to secure a position in a dark room. He wore leather glasses so that he could see himself in the mirror just installed in the basement of North Dormitory. The only blue things about him were the covers of his examination books on which the glorifying marks of forty, fifty and forty-five appeared in beauti- ful figures engraved in red ink. He had failed in the Big Three, for nearly every word in the books was as diffieult to understand as it is for a bald-headed man to know where to stop washing his face. And so he flitted away, for he really thought it was night; in fact, 'twas daylight after the final examination week. He asked, "What is this running hence. — a railroad or an iron fencc.^" To be sure it was the B. & M. and a goodly crowd had assembled there.
It had been a memorable struggle, but at last the Revolutionists had won. Squibby raised his hand to still the weeps of the weepers, and the curses of the curscrs, "Fellows, he cried, Men of
THE SQUIB
1919 and 1918, there may be a few of 1917 and 1916 for sociability sake, we are on the threshold of a new era, to-day, we depart to climes unknown, the worm has turned from one of knowledge to one of despair. No longer shall we visit the fairer sex over yonder, nor tread the broken ways of the campus. And since this is our unlucky day, be happy, for every dark cloud has a silver lining. If this be true, all aboard ye splinters. And with a sudden bang he fell to the ground, having shot himself three times with his flashlight.
Then he suddenly woke up and found himself hanging on to the bedpost singing "Good Bye Girls, I'm Through."
MORAL DON'T DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS, DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS
BUT, DREAMS SOMETIMES COME TRUE"
Finals again, and time to bid adieu to another parting band of wayfarers. Finals,, and the air once more punctured with the curses of the poor unfortunates. What is to become of them. Behold! there is one of them holding up South Dormitory. Flush after flush rises from his collar and staggers across his countenance as the shame of the situation sweeps over him. To be in his position is no joke. Oh, the mortification of it all.
But he must extricate himself from this unpleasant position. He thinks of going home, but he has no money. He lingers on, would a friend, an acquaintance, even, ever come to his rescue. The moments, yea, the minutes pass. His hair is turning gray from the horror of his situation. Just as he is about to jab a toothpick into his floating ribs and end it all, the eyes, the nose, yea, e'en the face of a friend appears at one time. "Chesterfield," he chokes, "Chesterfield," Buy me a ticket for the B. H. S., one way, yes, only one way." To this impassioned appeal Chesterfield with emotion "Here take this cent — no don't bother about the change, keep it, buy yourself two tickets. Thus, the youth bends his steps homeward, for he has been brought at last to the jaws of that horrible monster — FAILURE! He has failed but today begins a New Year — the date on the calender does not matter.
This funny old world is a mirror, you know, Turn it's way with a sneer, or face of a foe
And you will see trouble But meet it with laughter and look full of cheer, And back will come sunshine and love true and dear Your blessing to double,
SUPPOSE YOU TRY SMILING.
LOOKING AHEAD?
QUIBBY waxed and curled his mis — placed eye — brow which he had been cultivating since Christmas for the Prom occasion, sprinkled a little Mary Garden on his motely, rubbed a little Creme de Meridor on his face (the first to give him atmosphere, the second beauty), put a Camel (cigarette) in his mouth and sauntered forth humming, "The High Cost of Loving is Driving Me Mad," but he comforted himself in thinking "Because of the Prom we have Sons and Daughters" and — but why go further, dear reader, there is so much tragedy in this world. Thus we find Sqiiibby as the social lion, dancing in our barn, which appears like the court of the Turkish Harem with all its beautiful girls and pleasing decorations, even the Sultan would be stupified. On this occasion the college atmosphere is satur- ated with "pep" and merriment, so different "by Jove" than it was a few weeks ago when Mr. Cram and Mr. Flunkem were the predominating characters. Therefore, let us overflow with mirth and welcome our guests, the beautiful, the fickle, the charming, etc., to our big event of the year.
THE SQUIB
Cereal
Charles Green was an honest young man, as any one could tell by a glance at his comely features. He had just alighted from the Amherst car at the corner of " Kingandmainnearestpoint- totherailroadstation." Tight in his hand, he held a nifty straw suit-case, the graduation gift from his admiring family the previous June, when he, with two "Tessies" and thi-ee other young men, had been "thrown on an unsuspec- ting and cold world with the most wonderful oppor — " and so on as the "Speeches to the Gradating Class" usually go.
Asuwe said, he held his suit-case in his hand, and his head high. Because must he not bear up bravely under this new humiliation? True, gentle reader, Charles, Our Hero, had just lately been handed his return ticket on the "Febi-uary Special," flunked, canned, or whatever you wish to call it. And he only a freshman, too! And he was on his way home to his folks and Caroline. Ah! yes. Caroline!
Just as our hero stepped from the car, an aged gentleman left the curb. At this moment, a large Ford touring car came wheezing down Main Street, apparently with no regard for traffic or the safety of pedestrians. Charles observed that it was about to swing into King Street, also that the gentleman hereinbefore I'eferred to was directly in its path and apparently ignorant of the impending danger. With a startled cry, such as the mother gold-fish utters when the family cat peers down into the aquarium as it reposes on the parlor table, Charles dropped his precious suit-case and hurled himself at the aged gentleman.
Both Charles and tlie gentleman went down in a heap, but the Ford was robbed of its prey, and Charles had made a friend. The boy and the man secured their footing, and the old man looked down into his savior's face with the following words :
"My dear young benefactor, I should most certainly have been killed had it not been for your prompt and timely action. All I can do now is to thank you, but if you will call at my house this evening, I am sure I can arrange to reward you more satisfactorily," And he gave Charles Green his house number and street.
Charles gracefully murmured that it was nothing at all and accepted the kind gentlemen's invitation to report in the evening.
Two of the witnesses of the distressing incident were heard by our reporter in the following conversation :
"What a handsome young man! Who is tlie old gentleman?"
"Why, don't you know? That is Mr. Ogden Olypliant, 1lic millionaire Soap King!"
That evening, Charles Green mounted the steps of the pretentious mansion to which he had been bidden and bravely i-ang the bell. The butler answered the summons, and seemed to expect our young hero, for the latter was immediately ushered into the library, and into the presence of Mr. Olyphant and a handsome, middle-aged woman, with a winsoxne young girl.
"Mr. Green," said Mr. Olyphant, "I want you to meet my daughter, Mrs. Courtney, and her daughter, Alice. Helen, this is the young man who so bravely saved my life this morning.'-'
Charles gracefully acknowledged the intro- duction.
"My dear young man, we most certainly are grateful to you for the brave manner in which you saved my father from a distressing accident," said Mrs. Courtney.
"Grandfather has told us how handsome you are, and we are not in the least disappointed," said Miss Alice Courtney.
Charles blushingly dropped his eyes to the floor.
"Tell us how you came to be on the car, Mr. Green," said Mr. Olyphant.
"Well," answered our hero, "It is not a long story, but a tender subject. I entered the Massa- chusetts Agricultural College as a freshman this last fall, and at once entered into the activities of the undergraduate body. As a member of the freshman football team, I attained some renown, and spent some little time at fall practice for the baseball team. Evenings, I spent in rehearsing for the Roister Doisters, or working on the Class Debate. I was also rushed by seven of the nine fraternities, so you can readily under- stand that I was not left a great deal of time to spend in preparation of my studies attendant to the successful mastery of the curriculum as there outlined for the incoming freshman."
His hearers acknowledged that this might possibly be so.
"Hence," continued Charles, our hero, "It is not surprising that I failed to attain a passing grade in most of my studies when the results became known at the end of the semester, which prohibited me from pursuing further studies there and also participation in the activities of the undergraduate body. At present, I am on my way home, and am hoping to secure a position as farm manager on some estate, where my talents along agricultural lines may be developed, and where I can have an opportunity to uplift the life of the rural community as found and existing in the nearby country."
Charles, as we may well guess, was an ambitious young man.
THE SQUIB
"The very thing," ejaculated Mr. Olyphant, with the dawning light of an awakened idea. "I have just purchased a large farm on the shores of Lake Windybaggo in New Hampshire, the scene of my birth and boyhood. I offer you the position of manager and developer, with full power to run the place as you see fit. At any rate it cannot be run down any further, and possibly it will give you the opportunity to make good in "what you see as the Call of a Life-Work."
An enhancing smile from the beautiful eyes of Alice drove all doubt from our hero's mind, as well as all thoughts of home and Caroline.
The next morning, Charles Green found himself seated in a comfortable chair on the north-bound express, w^hich was carrying hi:n with the speed of an expi-ess train to the scene of his Future Hopes, where our next installment should find him instated as the Boy Manager of CostJiiore Farm on the beautiful shores of Lake AVindybaggo.
[Editor's Note — This offers an excellent oppor- tunity for tlie aspiring literary geniuses of the campus to show us how Charles Green made good. An attractive prize to the best closing of this thrilling novel. Contributions gladly re- ceived.!
This did not cause any hardship for Adam and Eve.
FORGET THE FINALS
Let's start to boast the Hash house grub No matter how you feel Perhaps the steward gratified Will give us a square meal.
FINALS
AS WE LIKE THEM Final Examination
ONE hour exam, text books supplied on recjuest. Do five out of ten questions Passing grade Forty per cent If you cannot do five answer four. Three make-ups if final isn't passed.
AS WE GET THEM Final Examination One hour exam, every hour. Do all cjuestions and answer fully. Passing grade sixty per cent. You either get this 0 or that 10
To Be Analyzed by the Faculty during the week of Feb. 2.
K
^^V\-vV^
THE SQUIB
At the Cabaret
She — "Did you notice the beautiful moon last night? "
He — "Yes, think what we could get for it if we had it bottled and on meter."
THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN
¥T'S leap year boys, I Avonder now ■*■ Will bids come ffom the dame Will dance wi'ite-ups have absent ones Instead of those who came?
Will Smith and Mt. Holyoke come over here
To take us to the show
And spend their coin on mileage books
To bring us to and fro?
Will our own co-eds call us up And ask us to the Prom Writing the name of the lucky man On a long list in the Dorm?
You suffragists now have a chance Your latent power to show So let the invites come our way And we'll be glad to go.
m
'16 Man Hello, Bill, how are you feeling?
'17 — Like a dull razor-blade.
'16- — Spring it.
'17 — No more cuts.
m
TUT-TUT!
DOC GORDON — "Get ready your drawings for the Crab. Mr. Blanchard will call for them later."
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
ViTOUR Smith friend who was unable to go to * the informal telephones that she will go to the Prom with you. You love her acutely, the loss of her affection would be like drilling your senior year. Moreover, she is a swell dancer, some dame! What would you do?
For best solution we will give a copy of the next Squib. P. S. No crimes allowed.
#
BETTER SEE YOUR MAJOR ADVISER ABOUT THIS
CUPPOSE you are absolutely broke. Owe, *^ two weeks board, and fifteen dollars to your friends, have strained scenes daily with your laundry agent, have your best suit at the tailors $1.50 due.
Your family is back in Small-town no time to get letter to them for $ and at the last minute your Smith friend says she will go to the Prom with you.
Mr. Neilson the mysterious-M. P. Sure had the proper spirit His dope was good, he held the boys And we were glad to hear it.
Arnold — Yes, that's a garter snake
Minnie (innocently) — Why it's much too small.
THE SQUIB
IN RE SARDINES
The following ad was seen not long ago: "Sardine packers wanted, none but experienced need apply."
If all who are experienced sardine packers were to apply for the position, there wouldn't be enough sardines for a half a bite apiece. I mean these experts in packing human sardines — Car Conductors. They have the trade down to a science and could get a first class recommenda- tion from any of the poor sufferers who are frequent users of the last car from Hamp.
Sometime, perhaps when you have been sand- wiched between two individuals, with one fellows cold nose at the back of your neck and your right eye gazing admiringly into the mysterious cavity of the other fellow's ear, your left eye may have discovered the following sign prominently displayed:
WE CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING
YOU MAY CARE TO KNOW ABOUT SPACE IN THIS CAR
I am afraid they wouldn't have a great deal of information to impart regarding space in the car for the simple reason that there is never any visible space to give information about. Question: Where does space go when a street car gets full.' (Boston American please copy for "Us Boys.")
I want to know if it is good manners to sit down in the lap of a lady who is a perfect stranger to you when the car rounds a curve. Also, when a car stops suddenly, should the passengers move up front altogether or one at a time.
If a passenger wants to stop off at Hadley for a few hours, should the conductor be allowed to slip a him transfer for the early car in the morning?
And, finally, I have a very valuable suggestion to make. I move that the space that goes to waste in the upper portion of the car, be utilized by installing upper berths for the convenience of passengers who ride to the end of the line, so that they may retain a few shreds of clothing and the use of their feet, which are usually gone by the time the other passengers have cleared out.
ODE TO THE HASH HOUSE SAUSAGE
Sausage, my sausage, My heart yearns for thee. Yearns for thy pig-skin And thy old dog-meat; Long may we rebsh In years yet to be. Long may we relish,
D. 0. G'S.
THI^COULEliE LIFE THERE'S "R£^"V.
College Life is not all play, "dad".
#
Mr. Cram:
The records of the Dean's office show that you are below passing in the following: College Life Hygiene Drill
Physical Education The following you have passed with the highest possible standing: Plumbing 6 Steam Fitting 8 Hoeing 4 Plowing 2 Fussing 1 Chefing 1 Your high attainments in these above makes you a promising candidate for thie Rexall Watch, also for admission into the Plumber's Honorary Society "Soakem or Disappointexn." Moreover you are a neojohite of the Fusser's Union; prereq- uisite Fussing 2 to become a brother. For your wonderful ability in Chefing you have been appointed assistant to Mr. Chcslcy, for in that position the students will soon decide wliether you will become a member of this generation or of the previous one.
Hoping you are not disappointed in the out- come of your finals,
I am
Rctalliatingly yours,
Mr. Flunkem.
8
THE SQUI&
Smooth words oil the srooves of life.
fTTTTlTTTTnTrnTZI
Many Have Gone Before Youths may come, and youths may go, But Mr. Flunkem goes on for ever.
LITTLE drops of water. Little grains of dust, Make a nice mud puddle; Where sit down, you must.
The little drops of water Soak right through your clothes, And in the little grains of dust You gently rub your nose.
Little bits of shivers Chase up and down your spine. And as soon as you get home You crawl to bed and whine.
Little drops of Castor Oil And some bitter pills. Is what the doctor gives you, To drive away your chills.
Little bits of silver And nice, crisp paper bills Is what you give the doctor For curing all your ills.
IMPOSSIBLE Dear Miss Sau Sage:
I heard about your coming to Aggie and so I came too. I want to tell you about a little thing that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was camping out at Norwottock, on the shores of the Connecticut, when I was overtaken by a flee storm. A flee storm Dear Miss Sau Sage, is when flees come on you in droves and droves. Fortunately for me as you will afterwards per- ceive, I jumped into the river while being pur- sued by these wingless crabs. Seeing that they are still after me I disappeared from the view of the naked eye beneath the river's surface. I found a convenient rock on the bottom of the river upon which I rested for several hours. Upon rising to the surface again, I found the flees were still sticking around waiting so I went down again and played solitaire with a pack of cards which I happened to have in my hat. I got so interested in the game, that I must have stayed there all night, for when I came out I found that all the flees had disappeared.
lAMAFLEE.
THE SQUIB
AT THE COSTLY PLEASURE
I took my girl to a swell hotel, With five bucks in my jeans. It surely was some swell affair, But way beyond my means.
We listened to some music first And then we danced awhile, Then the waiters in the dining room Received us with a smile.
I thought I'd blow myself for once And eat at Copley Square, It's a wonder to me I didn't drop dead W^hen I saw the bill of fare.
I looked at the Girl and she looked at me. Then we looked at the waiter together. He was very attentive and dressed up-to-date And said something about the weather.
We decided at last to order ice cream. Our dream of a feed had fled And thought to escape from this gilded joint And go to a Cafe instead.
But Alas! We could not get away
And in the end he got our kale.
When I think of what that five would buy.
It's no wonder that I turn pale.
But all we got was a demi tasse,
Some water, and a dish of cream
But nevertheless, in spite of all
The Copley Plaza dance sure was a dream.
THE MORNING AFTER
Milady Fatigue at 6.30 A. M. Saturday morning the Twelfth.
UNITY
We hear considerable now of the good work being done by the surgical units sent from this country to Europe. Because of the censor's sense or incense we have heard nothing of the great work done by the British Thermal Unit, or the B. T. U. as the soldiers love to call it. The duty of this unit is to make it hot for the Germans and it certainly does that. It also melts snow, boils water and lights pipes for soldiers busily handling their scrap-iron. After this unit has passed one degree it is awarded an honorary degree. Then it is called the "Pink Sox You Knit." You remember, when you were moved by reading of the sufferings of the poor soldiers, you bought that pink yarn and knit the socks for them. Well your sox are worn by the bravest of the brave, the British Thermal Unit.
#
HIS FIRST TEXT
JOHHNY was a lad who had no desire to attend Sunday School and his father did all in his power to make him go.
So one Sunday as Johnny presumedly returned from church his father was inquisitive to ascertain whether his son had gone, and consequently asked him:
"What was the text today, Johnny?"
"Don't be afraid, you'll get your quilt back" says Johnny.
The father was puzzled, so he called up the minister and asked him what the text was, and he was informed :
"Fear not, thy comforter comes."
REASON FOR DEJECTION
A well-known university professor who has taken much interest in the woman's suffrage movement was persuaded to carry a banner in a parade that was held in New York some months ago.
His wife observed his marching with a dejected air and carrying his banner so that it hung limply on its standard, and later she reproved him for not making a better appearance.
"Why didn't you march like somebody and let people see your banner?" she said.
"My dear," meekly repHed the professor, "did you see what was on that banner? It read, 'Any man can vote, why can't I?'"
10
THE SQUIB
At The Tea Dansante and Cabaret
LINES TO ANGLINA
I have lost my heart to you, Angelina, You have gained a suitor true, iVngelina; Though I mutter and I rave, Though I sadly need a shave,
I would gladly be thy slave, Angelina.
My heart is throbbing madly, Angelina, My pen is wobbling badly, Angelina; All the time I think of thee, I can scarcely hear or see,
I'm overflowed with glee, Angelina.
Three nights I've had a dream, Angelina, It surely was a scream Angelina; 'Twas about a little dame Who's a pippin just the same,
And I needn't tell her name, Angelina.
#
THRENOBY
First Canticle She's far more delicious And twice as capricious To-night as ever before. And soon I'll propose, yes, I'll snatch her with boldness. And capture the girl I adore.
Second Cantile The chance is a dandy. The mistletoe's handy. But she puts in a word just before — "You've been just like a brother — (Doesn't this sound natural?) I've accepted another."
And the butler has banged-to the door!
-Record.
THE HASH HOUSE
•yHE hash house grub at M. A. C. ^ As served by William Chesley, Supposed to be "three squares a day" For which we must 4.20 pay, Is far from being what it seems However well our Chesley means.
The daily round of beef and lamb Is sometimes changed to beans and ham. Just watch the changing colors glow. And from experience you'll know However much you eat and stuff Never will you get enough.
From dish-rag soup to leather pie —
Another biscuit in the eye —
There's nothing there that's fit to eat.
In spite of fixings that look neat.
So drink your milk and eat your bread.
The water's poisoned now with lead.
Let's hope there's better times to come When Chesley's grub will not be bum, For as things stand with us today We might as well be eating hay, For what is offered on the slate Is always Hebrews 13-8.
m
ISN'T THIS A MEAN JOKE, GIRLS?
Judge — "You are sentenced for life." Prisoner (a married man) — "The parson beat you to it by ten years, judge."
11
THE SQUIB
A Wandering Mind has no Consolation. The orchestra will now play the little ditty entitled "Why he went home," and "Where is my wandering boy tonight."
LAMP THIS
Aladdin had just applied friction to his well- known Mazda. A genie rose out of the iiist.
"What does my lord master desire?"
"Fetch me a Freshman!'
The genie vanished, and a moment later re- appeared, clutching an immature Frosh by the rear gill filaments. Aladdin bent a stern glance upon his quaking captive.
"Young man, have you any right to live?"
"No, sir."
"Do you realize that you're a scamp and a criminal?"
"Y-yes, si"."
"Do you appreciate the fact that you're a reproach to civilization and a blot on the face of the earth?"
"Yes, sir."
Aladdin turned to the genie. "Put him in the pond. He's guilty of general freshness."
(^
HEARD IN ECONOMIC SOCIOLOGY I
OROFESSOR brings to the attention of the * class the beauty of the South American girl, whose beauty he says is found in the Northern Magazine.
This ambiguous statement is noticed by one of the students who immediately asks: What part of the anatomy is that?
12
MT. HOLYOKE professor has recently published a treatise on "Non-Homogen- eous Linear Equations in Infinitely Many Un- knowns." Now it's up to Doc Gordon to write his observations on the Schizoganic Gameto- genesis of the Mastigophorous Grasshoppers.
# AMONG OUR SENIORS
Reggie has become a great football man since he started that new mustache. It's a touchdown every few minutes with hi:m now.
The s' bothered
DANGEROUS SKATING
ige drivers in Yellowstone Park are
considerably by the foolish questions asked by their passengers and often resort to satirical answers. Once a woman who seemed deeply interested in the hot springs inquired:
"Driver, do these springs freeze over in winter?"
"Oh, yes, yes; a lady was skating here last winter and broke through and got her foot scalded."
(0)
THAT SPRING FEELING
I love to sit upon the fence
And whittle it all day, Because it is my neighbor's fence And he has gone away.
THE SQUIB
$)^Yf^[^!
BEWARE 1919, 111 be with you soon.
NOT FROM WEST INDIES
Some time ago the teacher of a public school was instructing a class in geography, and when it came time to hand out a few questions she turned first to Willie Smith.
"Willie," said she, "can you tell me what is one of the principal products of the West Indies?"
"No, ma'am," frankly answered Willie, after a moment's hesitation.
"Just think a bit, Willie," encouragingly returned the teacher, "where does the sugar come from that you use at your house?"
"Sometimes from the store," answered Willie, "and sometimes we borrow it from the next-door neighbor."
Broke — See under "College Student."
Optimist — One who inherits a fortune.
Pessimist — The fellow who finds the fly in the sugar.
College Student — See "Broke."
Sponge — The man who rattles his keys in his pocket when the other fellow pays the bill. — ■
NOT AMBITIOUS
The teacher sent the son of a Newburgh poli- tician before the schoolmaster for a serious mis- demeanor.
"Young man," said the schoolmaster, as he gazed severely at the youth, "do you know that you are a candidate for a sevei'e whipping?"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "and I hope I'll be defeated."
Doc Cance (explaining division of labor in slaughter houses) — Any man here could skin the body of an animal; they put a cheap man on that!
Doc Cance — W^e strive in dairying to make two crops of milk flow where one flew before.
CONTRIBUTORS
G. B. Ray '16
A. F. Williams '17 L. C. Higgins '18
W. Saville Jr. '17 R. W. Rogers '17 L. H. Johnson
A. Campbell
Have your photograph made at a Studio where you are assured of entire satisfaction both as to price and quahty.
Make appointments for portraits and fraternity groups by telephone at our expense.
The
Katherine E. McClellan
Studio
44 State Street, - Northampton, Mass.
Men*s Custom Tailoring
I will be at August's Tailoring Room,
No. 35 Main Street, Northampton, Mass.
with samples of
Browning King's & Co., Goods every Wednesday
other days by appointment.
Geo. C. Lee, So. Deerfield, Mass.
DOOLEY'S INN
HOLYOKE
BBHfflBB
The Happy Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie Men
MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS
.JOKE FROM THE FRONT
The Officer (having been challenged by a recruit, seeks to improve the occasion) — "I say, you know, that was quite right, but you left out 'All's well!' "
The Recruit — "'All's well I' is it sir!' An' me feelin' the way I do with me two feet like a block of ice!"
Compliments of
A. J. GALLUP, INC
We sell
Hart Schaffner 6c Marx Clothes
293-297 HIGH ST.,
HOLYOKE, MASS.
"The Mutual"
Headquarters for
Winslow Skates
HOCKEY STICKS, SKATE STRAPS, PUCKS, ETC.
The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co.
Jmprnu^ four
Typewrite them. Its easy.
Now that you are beginning a new sem- ester, begin it right.
You are going to save many of your notes. Make them legible, typewrite them, it is easy and profitable to learn.
No, it is not expensive to rent a machine. Divide the expense, as many as four can easily use tlie same machine and not conflict.
It would than cost only 62 cents a month, it's worth it.
New and Re-build Machines For Sale,
OFFICE APPLIANCE CO.
BOSTON, MASS. A. E. LINDOUIST 3 NORTH
FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
|
There is nothing new in the World Here is something new to M. A. C. Aggie Towel Co. We furnish Towels in the drill hall, fresh after every shower. They may be paid for singly, on tickets, or by term contracts. The term contract provides a clean towel for every shower, regardless of number. Soap furnished free to everybody. The sanitary advantages and reasonableness of the prices are obvious. Get a contract early and thus loose none of the benefits. Rates:— Single Towles 5c Six Towel Tickets 25c Term Contracts $1.00 Aggie Towel Co. B. C. L. Sander '16, Pres. For Contracts and Tickets see F. M. Clark '19 or S. C. Bartlett Jr., '19. |
Iranscript Photo Engraving Company NORTH ADAMS, MASS. Engravers of Merit (J We Solicit Work in College Publications Get Our Rates |
|
SPEAKING OF TALK "I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied: "I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?" GENTLE OBSERVATION FROM ST. LOUIS If the new mayor drives all of the crooks out of Chicago how does he expect to keep up with New York in population.' |
It is better to have your fl^rinttng Done by Us than to wish you had Excelsior Printing Co. IPrinting— "IRulinQ— 36in&inG North Adams, Mass. |
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A GOOD PLACE TO EAT The Ideal Lunch S. J. HALL, Prop. Excellent Service Fine Cuisine 40 Main Street NORTHAMPTON, MASS. |
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN NORTHAMPTON
The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction at
flemings ^oot Jhop
211 MAIN STREET
The most complete line of Pumps for the winter
NORTHAMPTON,
MASS.
HERE'S A TIP
Are you going to the Prom.
Our Full Dress Suits are the very latest tip on the correct evening dress for men who know how.
Special styles young men in the well known "Society Brand" make.
Dress Coats and Trousers $32.50 and up. Tuxedo $22.00. White Silk Waist Coats $5 to $7.50
All the details to complete the picture from collar buttons to overcoats.
MERRILL CLARK & CO.,
NORTHAMPTON
Some people lire to eat, Others eat to live.
Boyden's Restaurant
Serves all
Delicious Dishes Best of Service
Catering
Facilities for College Banquets
196 Main St.
Northampton
Wiswell the Druggist
82 Main St. Northampton
Did you know that we are serving the "Best" Hot Chocolate to be had anywhere Try our
Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae
Its a Big Hit Hump's Busiest Soda Fountain
BECKMANN'S
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies & Ice Cream
247-249 Main Street
Northampton
OR BEFORE SHE MARRIED HIM
Irate Woman — "These photographs you made of my husband are not satisfactory and I refuse to accept them."
Photographer — " What's wrong? "
Irate Woman — "What's wrong? Why, my husband looks like a baboon!"
Photographer — "Well, that's no fault of mine, madam. Youshould have thought of that before you had him photographed."
Opticians
Particular Merit
G.T. Dewhurst
201 MAIN ST.
Opp. City HaU Northampton
Telephone I84-W
ARTHUR P. WOOD
Ehe Jewel Store
Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL
197 Main St. Northampton, Mass.
Telephone 1307-M
FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
Dancing Pumps and Dancing Oxfords
— for— THE JUNIOR PROM
E. ALBERTS
241 Main Street opp. Clarke Library
NORTHAMPTON
Order Cooking
Specials
The Elms Restaurant
Best Quality Food Moderate Prices
E. G. DILL, Proprietor
213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
PHELPS & GARE
112 Main Street Northampton, Mass.
'Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over our stock at any time.
'16 Man — Hello, Bill, how are you feeling?
'17 — Like a dull razor-blade.
'16 — Spring it.
'17 — No more cuts.
1st Stude — "How long does it take to go to Boston from Amherst?
2nd Stude — By time table or B. & M.?
RAHAR'S INN
Northampton, Massachusetts
EUROPEAN PLAN
The Best Place To Dine
GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED
ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD
Good Banquet Facilities
Special Dishes at All Hours R. J. RAHAR, Prop.
Woodward's Lunch
27 Main Street Masonic Block
Lunches — Soda — Ice Cream
Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. m.
F. W. WOODWARD, Prop.
R. F. Armstrong & Son
"Be Prepared" for the Prom.
DRESS TIES
DRESS SHIRTS
DRESS SOX
DRESS GLOVES
DRESS SUITS (for Sale or Rent)
86 MAIN STREET
NORTHAMPTON
The most attractive store in town
Shrafts and Appolo Chocolates
The Kind the Girls Like
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
.•:-v
PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN NORTHAMPTON
The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction at
flemings ^oot Jhop
211 Main Street
The most complete line of Pumps for the winter
Northampton,
Mass.
HERE'S A TIP
Are you going to the Prom.
Our Full Dress Suits are the very latest tip on the correct evening dress for men who know how.
Special styles young men in the well known "Society Brand" make.
Dress Coats and Trousers $32.50 and up. Tuxedo $22.00. White Silk Waist Coats $5 to $7.50
All the details to complete the picture from collar buttons to overcoats.
MERRILL CLARK & CO.,
NORTHAMPTON
Some people lire lo eat, Others eat to live.
Boyden's Restaurant
Serves all
Delicious Dishes
Best of Service
Catering Facilities for College Banquets
196 Main St. Northampton
Wiswell the Druggist
82 Main St. Northampton
Did you know that we are serving the "Best" Hot Chocolate to be had anywhere Try our
Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae
Its a Big Hit Hamp's Busiest Soda Fountain
BECKMANN'S
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies & Ice Cream
247-249 Main Street
Northampton
OR BEFORE SHE MARRIED HIM
Irate Woman — "These photographs you made of my husband are not satisfactory and I refuse to accept them."
Photographer — "What's wrong?"
Irate Woman — "What's wrong? W^hy, my husband looks like a baboon!"
Photographer — "Well, that's no fault of mine, madam. You should have thought of that before you had him photographed."
Opticians
of
Particular Merit
O.T. Dewhurst
201 MAIN ST.
Opp. City Hall Northampton
Telephone 184-W
ARTHUR P. WOOD
^he JeWel Store
Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL
197 Main St. Northampton, Mass.
Telephone 1307-M
FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING
WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
Dancing Pumps and Dancing Oxfords
— for— THE JUNIOR PROM
E. ALBERTS
241 Main Street opp. Clarke Library
NORTHAMPTON
Order Cooking
Specials
The Elms Restaurant
Best Quality Food Moderate Prices
E. G. DILL, Proprietor
213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
PHELPS & GARE
112 Main Street Northampton, Mass.
"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over our stock at any time.
'16 Man — Hello, Bill, how are you feeling?
'17 — Like a dull razor-blade.
'16 — Spring it.
'17 — No more cuLs.
1st Stude — "How long does it take to go to Boston from Amherst.'
2nd Stude— By time table or B. & M..=
RAHAR'S INN
Northampton , Massachusetts
EUROPEAN PLAN
The Best Place To Dine
GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED
ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD
Good Banquet Facilities
Special Dishes at All Hours R. J. RAHAR, Prop.
Woodward's Lunch
27 Main Street Masonic Block
Lunches — Soda — Ice Cream
Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. m.
F. W. WOODWARD, Prop.
R. F. Armstrong & Son
"fie Prepared" for the Prom.
DRESS TIES
DRESS SHIRTS
DRESS SOX
DRESS GLOVES
DRESS SUITS (for Sale or Rent)
86 MAIN STREET
NORTHAMPTON
' IWM0LE5ALER6 & KETAILERSJ " PROrr& PRODUCE
^NORTHAMPTON. MASS
UJjmf.if/l,
The most attractive store in town
Shrafts and Appolo Chocolates
The Kind the Girls Like
GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU
-:a2asass;.
H)onchester
a4n
vemno
At the table, in the theatre chair or during the mild athletics of the modern dance, the DONGHESTER bosom remains flat, creaseless and in its place. $1.50, 12.00 and 13.00
poESS
Tfifi- HT
&uett,9eal>ody (P &o.,7nc..'^aiers
PLYMOUTH INN
NORTHAMPTON, MASS.
A High- Class Hotel desirably located for
College IPatronaGC
Especially suited to the reqiiirements of
tourists on account of its pleasant
location
American and European Plans Special Attention to Banquets
Excellent
Dining Car
Service
Best
12.45 p. m. 2.55 p. m.
4.37 p. m.
7.25 p. m. "
10.28 p. m. -
Stop-over
Comfortable
Enjoyable
Travel
est
Leave Springfield
-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and Chicago.
-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning.
-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago.
-For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, Saginaw. Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo, Cleveland and Chicago.
-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State points.
at Niagara Falls — no extra charge
Boston & Albany R. R.
(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee)
Information
Concerning Tickets
will be gladly
furnished
NEWYORK
^Central
upon request to
James Gray, D P. A.
119 Worthington St.,
Springfield, Mass.
'S^ff/i/Se/d
(J
The College Man's Shop
179 Main St., Northampton
Clothes, Furnishings, Shoes, Hats
It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the correct thing in young men's wear.
Visit us for Distinctive Apparel
The SQUIB
IS on sale at the following places
Amherst:
Adams Drug Store, Aggie Inn, College Drug Store, Hastings, College Store
South Hadley Center:
Drug Store
Northampton:
Heffernan Stationers, Niqette's Drug Store. (The end of the car line)
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
Campion
FINE TAILORING
■^^
COLLEGE OUTFITTER
Ready to Wear Clothes
Dress Suits and Accessories
DRAPER HOTEL
NORTHAMPTON,
MASS.
We Solicit the M. A. C. Patronage
First Class Banquet Facilities
Wm. m. Kimball, Prop.
School and College
IPbotootapbers
52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass.
Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY New York City
Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres.
Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier
First National Bank
Northampton
Do Your Banking Business with Us.
Deposits Received by Mail will
be Promptly Acknowledged
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS
!SE5>
'^^r^'i
Stop at the Woodstock
FORTY-THIRD ST., NEAR BROADWAY
""'!lMv§,S,
' 5" B 4 ' U
•^j^'ff'A^' Single Room, with Bath - - - - $2.00 to $3.00 for one k^ihk Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two
TIMF ^ NMi \| 1 r I III I I ^cPK
Located just off Times Square
HOTEL WOODSTOCK
is within a handy walk of everjrthing — terminals — subways — elevateds — surface lines — theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal.
European plan restaurant unexcelled for its cuisine
Write for our Map of New York
Service and accommodations unsur- passed for completness and efficiency
W. H. VALIQUETTE
Managing Director
A. E. SINGLETON
Asst. Manager
CLOSE TO THE WALL
"Ivy, why don't you cling to me?"
He cried in whispers thick, "Oh Archibald, I will, she said, I think that you're a brick!"
— Widow.
TWENTY FOR A SCENT History Prof — Tell about the Turkish atrocities in the Middle Ages.
Nemo Domi — I didn't know people smoked cigarettes then.
—Pitt Panther.
All the new Spring Styles are here
Ask to see the new Hart, Schaffner & Marx models
Sanderson & Thompson
He (telling jokes in the Follies) — Do you see the point.'
She — If it's what I think it is, I don't, and you're no gentlemen. "
— Jack-o-Lantern.
Glasses — Soused last night, weren't you?
Ears — Only had one glass —
Glasses — What !
Ears — But they kept filling it up!"
— Michif/an Gargoyle.
A word to the wise is sufficient
See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank
CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS
|
Compliments of E. D. Marsh Rstate STUDENT FURNITURE |
"For the I .and's Sake" Bowker |
|
Get in Practice for the Winter Tournaments at Metcalf's Bowling Alleys Alleys May be Reserved in Advance |
"The Store with the College Atmosphere" College Drug Store ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES |
|
STATIONERY, BLANK BOOKS AND FOUNTAIN PENS 1918 and 19 19 COLLEGE STATIONERY ^. G. Hastings NEWSDEALER AND STATIONER |
For a Delicious Luncheon or Dimmer Bring Your Guests to the Amherst House Fine Banquet Hall Catering to House Parties a Specialty |
|
Tommy — Oh, mother, look at that man! He's only got one arm. Mother — Hush! He'll hear you. Tommy — Why, doesn't he know it? — Princeton Tiger. |
Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds You of Home North End Lunch On the Left as You Enter the Campus |
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Wholesome old fashion food served in the most modern manner at the COLONIAL INN At the entrance to the campus |
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Perfectly appointed rooms for your guests Attractive Dining Room Exceptional Cuisine Telephone 8351 |
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GILMORE THEATRE the home of burlesque Four Days Every Week Beginning Wednesday MATINEE DAILY |
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HENRY ADAMS CO. DrugGists & Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco The Rexall Store |
CO-OPERATE AVITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS
The Really Progressive Paper of Western Massachusetts
The Springfield Union
Morning
Sunday
Evening
LIVE NEWS
Full Associated Press service. Special articles in every field of peace or war, business or politics, by recognized authorities. Local and suburban territory, including the, colleges, adequately covered.
LIVE "^^^ Union is the recognized leader in the field of sports. Baseball, football, rowing, bowling,
SPORTS tennis, golf, hockey — all are written about by men who KNOW. M. A. C. activities are always fully reported.
The Union is a well-rounded newspaper. Generous space is devoted to poultry, horticulture, RURAL dairying and general farming, particular attention being given to the organized efforts now LIFE making to improve conditions in the rura/ districts.
THE BAY STATE RURALIST is a regular feature of The Sunday Union
(This section written by M. A. C. Journalism students)
Nnttnturk i^atti
X/ancing
Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room.
Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 6 P. M.
SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25
Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager
Caps and Gowns
Makers to
Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale and many others
Faculty Gowns and Hoods
Purple, Choir and Judical Robes
Cox Sons & Vining
72 Madison Ave., New York
MENTION THE .SQUIB
OOIE 5QU1D
Senior — Your mandolin looks considerably ^ worn out."
Junior — Why shouldn't it?
Senior — I'll bite, spring it.
Junior — It's coiitiniuxlly being picked on.
ZOO-ZOO SNAP
THERE was a young paramoecium who would a wooing go, His nucleus said no, oh no; But the paramoecium couldn't find a conjugal mate With whom to make a pleasant date, So the nucleus kept a wishin' For just a plain binary fission. Disheartened, the paramoecium cried, "What's
the yoose." And where there was one, now there's dooce.
#
Professor, discussing sulphur — The amount of >ASSENGER on the B. & M.— AVhat makes sulphur in the human body varies with different
the train run so smoothly? people.
Conductor— It is off the track. Freshmen— Is that why some people make
better matches than others?
rOMMY — "I looked in the window when Sis was in the parlor with her beau last night." Father — ^"What did you find out, my son?" Tommy — "The lamp sir."
French Professor — When was the fall of Paris? Freshmen — ^Just before winter.
#
FIRST FRESHIE— We almost had steak for dinner. Second Freshie — AVhy didn't we? First Freshie — Oh, the cow had to go and get well.
boy.
¥. KEY — Oil get mad and greb your nose. you do.
Son — What is hoi"se sense?
Father — It is the faculty of saying "nay" my •^ Jay Key — ^You will haf your hends full if
L. T. BUCKMAN '17 Associate Editor H. M. WARREN '17 Circulating Editor
PRATT '17
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$1.50 A YEAR |
"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" |
15 |
CENTS A |
COPY |
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Published Once A |
Month |
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All business communications should he addressed to the Business communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all |
Manager; drawings. |
literary |
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Vol. |
II. |
FEBRUARY, |
1916 |
No. 8 |
O, Squihhy, attention, for at this time you must open the haven of youi' heai't and the gates of your x\lma Mater, 'tis a fair and festive day, and it is necessary for you to welcome your guests, the illustrious alumni. Therefore, remove your sweat shirt and sweater and replace them with a smile, a necktie and a collar. . Even Adam and Eve in their day would have looked for a more appropriate dress on a similar occasion. AYhy.^ Don't ask, even for Nut Grapes there is a reason.
<3^ # ^
Alumni Day is not an idealism which is embedded in your maliogany dome and can't get out because of the thick walls. Non, non, Monsieur, it is a realism which has engrafted itself deep into the hearts of both graduates and undergraduates. It comes but once a year as all good things do (except our weekly allowances which never come). Therefore it is both fitting and proper to discard our masks and give the alumni the glad hand. There is no war without its peace ship, and neither is there an alumnus without a few encom-aging words. Listen to their ancient words of the days when they were here, and you will hear utterances of surprise in their finding the numer- ous changes on the campus. The Auditorium, the Alumni Field, the Microbiology building, as well as the infirmary for the invalids, arouse a profound interest in their feelings. These changes
■THE SQUIB
appear only on the surface and are truly not the most important. But, they find the old Aggie "pep" still existing and steadily increasing, for without this spirit what would be the value of the numerous renovations? That is pi-ecisely the way that Squihhy feels and the presence of the alumni makes his reverent spirit come to tJie surface. And so he extends his hand to the Aggie Alumni wishing all a cordial welcome to their dear old Alma Mater.
#
#
IN MEMORIAM
Shed a tear of deep regret for the fellow that was flunked out. He studied and plugged his very best, that, I'm sure you won't doubt. But study and plugging are of little avail, and you may grind your head off all night, for if luck is against you, you'z'e forced to quit without questioning wrong or right.
But believe me, old man, I say it's no joke, when you've stayed in the fight so long, to bid all dreams of the future farewell. It's not right — it's somewhat wrong. Perhaps you have spent three hard years or more, and a lot of good hard-earned money, to be suddenly turned adrift in the world may sound like a joke. It's NOT funny.
I know thei-e's no humor in this piece of advise, for I only should like to remind you, to give a kind thought to the fellow who's "down" for the same misfortune may find you.
#
#
J. INCE Squibby's mental faculty for expressing humor has declined considerably or perhaps he never had the characteristic knack of producing the same, he realizes that the readers of the monthly would shout with joy if he were to announce that the next number will be a college girls number. Such is the case, Johanna, for the next issue will contain the humor of our sister colleges, and, last but not least the wit of our own Co-eds. Thus prepare yourself gentlemen, for there is no rose bush without a thorn and neither is there a girl without some wit. NUF CED.
^
Yes, you're right. Squibbj^ couldn't go to pi-ess without a few words of thanks to the Y. M. C. A. for having secured the services of Mr. Raymond Robins for a series of talks. It was a rare message to the men of Aggie and those who missed his talks may well regret their absence from them. Natur- ally Squibby absorbed the humor of the speaker and he finds himself deeply interested in his words concerning that great American game — Poker — No, no, nothing like that in our family, we only play Strip Poker here at Aggie but we have plenty of opportunities to learn the regular game for the speaker informed us that the Faculty can tell us why is a flush? and any point that we wish to know. Very good Louie, why not a course in playing poker? Think it over.
-THE SQUIB
HOUR
6 A. M.
7 A. M.
8 A. M.
9 A. M.
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10 A. |
M. |
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11 A. |
M. |
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12 M |
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1 P. |
M. |
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1. 30 P.M. |
AN X-RAY OF A PROM CARRIAGE
As is shown to us by a "Vet." scientist
AFTER THE PROM. EVENT
Sleep — Five blankets deep. BIG BEN clangs in the next cell. The bell metal in the chapel tower vibrates.
Same as (8 A. M. only more serious, by one bell.)
Motion under the five-all wool — it. A shut eye appears above the sel- vedge and unshuts. Hero stands on end surrounded by bathrobe.
A dress suit moth balled and neatly packed away.
Hero eases down Dorm stairs to dinner.
1st Prommer — Why is a chaperon? 2nd Prommer — To correct temperature and pressvire.
SARTOR RESARTUS
¥ F you should take a gii-1 to an informal, and — ■ * she should come out of the dressing room wearing one of those simplified gowns — consisting solely of a chest pi-otector and a skirt at half mast — would you be justified in demanding redress ?
The Sophomores, we note with grim satis- faction, lost only a few of their number at the semi-annual butchery. If they keep on at this i-ate, they are in danger of becoming imminent scholars.
UNDER THE SPREADING CHESTNUT
UNDER the spi-eading chestnut tree A blushing Smith girl stands. The pretty space twixt arm and hand A little wrist-watch bands The fancy bag she lightly swings First aid to beauty bears A powder puff, a pencil rouge And jeweled pins (for tears), A card case, coin purse, a barrette A handkerchief, a yard of net A drinking cup, a collar stay, A ticket to the matinee, A comb, a brush, a powder rag All this we find in the Smith Girl's Bag.
-THE SQUIB
A LETTER THAT DROPPED OUT OF THE MAIL BAG
Friend Nutsie:
I'll have to write and tell you about our new invention, The Prom. Cabaret.
"Mah goodness, mah goodness," as Peter Porter says, I haven't had such a good time since my mother turned me bottom side up for giving the gold fish a hot water bath. I called for my fair one and had to wait a good hour for her to put the finishing "touches" on. The girls wore their hats while dancing you know (sort of advance showing of Easter millinery) and her hat sawed my chin so I wore a piece of court plaster on it for a week afterwards. But what won't we do for the ladies?
The music and singing as usual was beyond criticism. So far beyond that I can't reach it. Tables were placed around the hall, surrounded by a young forest, and our fair co-eds served ice cream, which, if you were wise you finished before your next dance, for when you came back you were likely to find that ice cream and dishes too, had vanished.
My girl gave my pride an awful jolt that day. She had just danced a dance with another dancer and she said "Do you know that when you dance with me you dance pretty well.'" Seeing my deepening blush she hastened to correct herself, "Oh no, no, I mean that when we dance together you dance so much better than with anyone else." Of course you know I didn't object to her self praise but admitted I couldn't quite see through it yet. She thought it over a while and with profuse apologies said she meant to say that, although she knew she wasn't a good dancer she danced very well when she danced with me. A little better, no doubt, and my pride slid back into its accustomed place.
Just the same, old man, the Cabaret was THE thing and I hope to see another.
Eternally fraternally yours,
Jasper.
WOMAN! YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO DRINK
ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN Dear Miss Sau Sage:
I am in a very perplexing situation. For the last few weeks I have been praising my girl every time I have been to see her. Now if I stop prais- ing her she will think that I don't love her any more and if I keep it up she will think that she is too good for me. What, 0 what shall I do? Yours lovely,
I. M. Stuck.
Dear I. M. Stuck,
I really think I am stuck myself, but since you have praised her 10 to the 10th power times too many, it is essential that you write to Skinny Shanner of the Boston American Staff and he may enlighten you and appoint you a member of the Zoological Department as the writer of "well known sayings in the game of love."
APTAIN of Company G— Fire at will! Private— -Who is Will?
SIMPLY A FENCING MATCH
HAIR RAISING
Friend — Why where are your pretty locks? Artist — I gave one of them to a young lady. Friend — But the rest of them? Artist — My wife took them when she found it out.
-THE SQUIB-
POOR CUPID
CUPID has his munition factories working over time at Aggie. His consumption of arrows is something extraordinary. Just think of it, dear reader, 20 per cent of the Senior class are either married or engaged. Why — ^why! — why — I dunno, it's hard to believe, but such is the case. I don't see any cigars being distributed on the campus — well, never mind sedate ones — good luck to you and may your troubles be small ones.
PROF. — What is a centimeter? Sleepy Soph. — It is an animal with a hun- dred feet.
GENERAL — Is your command well armed.f* Sergeant — Yes General, two per man except private O'Leary who lost one of his in the last engagement.
SCOTTY
SrOTTY is the pea-jacketed sailor, who breaks the bonds of every jailer Increases his neck seven inches around Grows ten inches up from the ground Dislocates each and every bone So you can hear 'em crackle and groan Sings like a lover upon his knees Gets half way through and says "holy good cheese."
THE LULU BIRD SAYS— Love is a game that is never called on the account
of darkness. If ten cents a line is the rate of the Western Union
Telegraph what is sodium nitrate? Since the two steps on the cars have come into
use the hobble skirt is going out of fashion. A man who bets is a bad man, but a man who doesn't bet is no better.
THE SNAIL-MAN
(Slowly and with deep feeling)
SLEEPER, sleeper, dear old ci-eeper Crawling down the line We wonder, yes we wonder If in thunder, if you have a letter That is solely mine You're due at 'leven (Should be seven.) We're lucky if you come by noon. Never mind old creeper. You help us keep Her By carrying our letters to and fro, And we'll be sorry, yes very sorry. To ever see you go.
\^1L
THIS IS HOW HE DID IT
HARRY VETCH— Yah, I was quite an agri- culturalist myself once. Timothy Straw — ^Yah?
Harry Vetch — Yah — many a time have I used hay for a cover crop.
Knut — -There isn't going to be any dancing at Mountain Park this year.
P. Knut— Why not?
«<" '!|i»**;
i'f
Knut — All the two-steps are on the cars.
-THE SQUIB
TYPOGRAPHICAL
(Pass it along) To print a kiss upon her lips
He thought the time was ripe; But when she went to press she said, "I do not like your type."
— Boston Transcript.
A kiss he printed on her lips And showed her no contrition,
Because the artful minx inquired: "Well, when's the next edition."
— Bi r ming ham A ge-Herald .
He took her headliiies in his arms
And murmured, "May I kiss you?"
"I'll be your galley slave." She sighed, "I can't evade the issue."
— J ack-o' -Lantern .
"Your features make me want to wed"
He sighed; she held aloof And said, "Your want adds to my joy,
But let me see the proof."
— The Gargoyle.
He rhymed some copy to her then
(For better or for woi-se). An inkling of his lead she scooped, A"nd said, "I'm not averse."
THERE THE PALE (Pail) ARTIST HIS SICKLY TRADE
Goldsmith
PLIES
Scene on Campus on a Rainy Day
THE girl stood on the burning deck. Whence all but she had fled, And when she found she couldn't go, She turned both blue and red.
She only had her nightie on, And the night was very cold. She shivei-ed so, that in her mouth Her false teeth she couldn't hold.
At last the ship was all burned up And the girl jumped into the sea And against a piece of wreckage She bumped her little knee.
This hurt her so she couldn't swim And was about to give up hope When a boat-load of full fishermen Threw her a big long rope.
They turned and towed her to the shore, For there was no room in the boat, And there on the sand were her old false teeth, Now wouldn't that get your goat.
gT.
NO WONDER TUDENT^Look at the condition of this suit
which I bought here only six weeks ago. Tailor — No wonder, when you climb out of the window every time you see me coming to collect for it.
#
f ITTLE WILLIE— Mamma, do all fairy tales '■^ begin "Once upon a time.?"
His Mother (with an eye on little Willie's papa) — No, my dear, sometimes they begin "I was detained at the oflBce.
THE SQUIB-
THE ALIENATION OF AL
Or What Happened Ten Years Down the Trail
AL L'mnus, the Ten- Years-Out, was speeding Aggiewards in a tumult of fond recollections and a 1916 Ford runabout. "After all," he murmured as he advanced the spark and dodged around a cuff-button which someone had care- lessly left in the road, "after all these years, will Aggie seem the same to nie, or will it seem altered? A flood of memories surged up from his nether consciousness. The class banquet — the initiation — the razoo riots — truly, his college course had- been the happiest, not to say the snappiest, four years of his life. And he had not onlj' enjoyed a turbulent good time: he had emerged from the vortex with a Liberal Education. This fact comforted him; he felt that h's educa- tion had been very liberal. Not much of it had been useful, and, by definition, anything that isn't useful must be cultural.
When Al reached the campus, he was gratified to find the old land-marks still doing business as land-marks. The chem. lab and the drill hall had not aged appreciably, having long since attained the maximum of decrepitude. The college pond was still used for bacterial cultures and other forms of culture. Leaving his Ford in the Trophy Room, Al set out to make a tour of the faculty. After meeting several of his old Profs., he decided that Paleontology wasn't in his line, a decision somewhat reinforced by the appearance of a gang of classmates. {Gang seems to be a more appropriate word than bevy although herd might possibly be used). The usual felicitations were exchanged, each man keeping a firm hold on his watch, in order to remain posted as to the time. . . .
To be frank, Al was somewhat disappointed in his classmates. They had grown fat and bald, and most of them were married. They had forgotten how to play poker, and couldn't tell any funny stories. What a state of things! They knew nothing of the curi'ent burlesques, and hadn't attended the Gilmore since Goodness- Knows-When. In fact, they were dull, prosaic and uninteresting, and Al was quite right in feeling indignant. He was also quite right in cranking up his flivver and skidding back to the Bright Lights, where people are more receptive and convivial. Do you blame him-' We don't. We are glad he went.
Moral: If you want to be a Gay Young Loth- ario, don't try any of that stiift' around here. We've reformed since Raymond Robins made us sign the papers. 8
THE ALUMNI AS WE SEE THEM
AS THEY REALLY ARE
PREPAREDNESS
OUR hero arose, took a mercury bath for that heavy feeling), ran a few meters of dental floss through his pearly whites and yawned thrice. Vainly he tried the combination of a Notch collar and a reversible tie (IT did not offer a becoming background for his skull and bones scarf pin). At last he obtained the desired affect when he riveted a gates-ajar Clupeco shrunk to a silkateen shirt with a furrowed bosom. (The gloss shone from every furrow). Then he invested and coated himself with his pencil stripe slice cut English suit. His hat was of the common sort handy to doff at the approach of co-eds. Completing the details of his simple toilet he made his way through the silent night to Stockbridge Hall. WHO WAS HE.' EASY! A shorthorn going to the short- horn concert.
-THE SQUIB
DID YOU SAY CHICKENS BOYS?
There are plenty of them at AGGIE
FORUM
Feasible Fees for Future Feverish Freshmen 1. Infirmary (when the pond is perfectly clean). For the promiscuous use of the various green
receptables. For vieM' of the Mount Warner sunset (from
the Chem. Lab.) For electric fans, ammonia and ice bags
(during finals only). For thermometric surprises (not listed in
the catalogue). For weekly boutonnieres (for the Senate
members). For damages during Major talks (to other
majors). For the maintenance of Campus guards (at
every paper towel).
6
8
AGGIE ECONOMICS WITH ADAM AND EVE
Imports and Exports
STUDENT— Gee, I wish we only had to do these for Adam and Eve's time when they raised but three crops. So? What were they? Hay, fig leaves and whiskers.
NEWS ITEM 1966
Di'aper Hall originally the College dining hall is now the "Home For Aged and Retired Assistant Superintendents of the Grounds Department." We witness with pleasure the varied activities of these worthy gentlemen. Although quite vener- able they are still able to shovel snow or trim shrubbery for a few minutes occasionally. The good old fellows recently had a banquet. As a fitting climax to the afl^air a handsome engraved Aluminum Lawn Mower was awarded to the winner of the recent contest in grafting pie- plants. A petition was read from the residents of the Newburyport Turn Pike asking for a few seedlings of Bartlett Pear trees. It was granted ... A rather unfortunate occurrence nearly marred the success of the evening. One of the older gentlemen had a touch of insanity, he murmured something about the time when there were board walks on the very Campus. He was immediately removed to the Goodwin AVard of the Infirmary.
•THE SQUIB-
LUCKY DOG
This is a CRUEL world boys, and to think it is
Leap Yeai-.
#
\ N Aggie Freshman strolled into a Gent's ** Misfit Clothing store to get himself a new old suit. The salesman asked him "What size?"
"Well," said the freshie, "I can wear size 38, but give a size 50."
The salesman swallowed hard three times and said: "What's the idea?"
The freshie replied, "Oh, I believe in getting all I can for my money."
#
If a young housewife was to cast her bread upon the waters, it wouldn't come back to her. It would sink.
#
JOHN — You ought to be more careful in what you say to Dick, he will be challenging you to a duel one of these days.
Jack — He has already challenged me but when I named the weapons he backed out. John — What weapons did you name? Jack — Swords at fifty paces.
Professor — Thei'e has been only two people in the history of the world who have been able to perform this experiment which I am about to show you, and one of them is now dead.
Voice from the audience — ^Why didn't they bury you?
10
-THE SQUIB
MOMENTS AT THE COURSES
ARE these big, I'ed books the students are perusing so assiduously, copies of Bowser" "What Will Happen to the Giant Amoeba, when Gabi-iel Blows his Horn for the Millefolum," or are they Baedekers' Guide to Hamp " ? Neither, Kind Reader, nor are they the Automobile Blue- Book, because as mentioned herein before, they are bound in attractive red, which excludes them from the category of Intei-esting Reading. Per- haps we have a clue when the professor opens the seance. He hands out large packages of paper to a few Willing Workers, who nimbly distribute them among the class, amid loud groans. Of course, this is only a jestful bluff on the part o{ the boys, because they all knew that there was to have been a Written Quiz.
"What effect has the poem, 'The Gilded Dome,' on the rise of the prices demanded by steeple-jacks as a return for their elevating influence.'" (Loud remarks, addressed to nobody in particular: "That was never assigned." "Don't you mean 'The Golden Thread'.?").
"We'll have a little of Wordswoi-th this moi-n- ing." (More groans and a confused jumble which finally subsides in about five minutes.) Then the Reading commences. Some of the dear students begin to look like the very personi- fication of "rapt Attention," while others take on the appearance of a man's size nap. The recital grows intense. The words float up to the ceiling over the students' heads with a burning eloquence. The drowsy listener has a vague impression of an arm and hand i-aising in the air, somewhei-e Down-in-Front. The finger quivers with feeling as it points toward Heaven, and the poem describes the torture of some
poor soul in . The students nod their heads,
but it is not with approbation, it is with drowsi- ness. The finger still remains suspended. So does the reading. Then a voice from the rear says: "Doctor Munyon, put down that hand."
THE VESTED CHOIR
Sing Brothers Sing
A STUDENT rushed into the Hash House Cafeteria and hollered at the waiter," Say, Snail, crawl over here with a couple of leads and a cup of mud Mater without any cow in it.
" Whatchemean," said the crawler.
"Why I mean sinkers you poor Doughnut. Aren't they made of lead. Ha! Ha!
When leaving he planked a plugged nickel down on the counter (Boston prices.)
"Say," said the cashier, "that nickel has a hole in it."
"So has your sinkers," said the student, as the darkness swallowed him.
Please send flowers to the Mayor of East Entry, You Know Don Well, he's the cause of the above.
pROFESSOR— Always remember if you add ■■• one to it, it will always be odd.
Whisper in back row — Some one must have added one to you.
11
THE SQUIB
SQUIBBY'S RIDE
OUT of the west at the break of dawn The PELICx'^.N sounded his raucous horn. The affrighted air with a shudder bore The Illinois SIREN to the chieftain's door, The terrible grumble, rumble and roar, Telling the Princeton TIGER was there that day And SQUIBBY twenty miles away.
There is a road from Hanover town
A good broad highwaj^ leading down
And there through the flush of its own white light,
The JACK 0"-LANTERN speeds thru the
night ; The CORNELL WIDOW swept with eagle flight, And the Pittsburg PANTHER knew the terrible
need So he stretched away with his utmost speed. Hills rose and fell, but their hearts were gray For SQLTIBBY was fifteen miles away.
A MAN'S A MAN FOR A'THAT
The MEDICINE MAN sped down the road.
Like the angry GARGOYLE under the goad,
And the JESTER sped far ahead
Not by the LONGHORN to be lead;
And the PUNCH BOWL like LAMPOON fed
with furnace fire Swept on, with the PURPLE COW full of ire. But Lo, they are nearing their heart's desire. The LEHIGH BURR snuffs the smoke of the
fray With SQUIBBY only five miles away.
The first that SQUIBBY saw were groups Of Stragglers, then the retreating troops: What was done.? What to do? The SUN
DIAL told him both. Then striking his spurs, with BRUNONIAN
strength, He dashed down the line, the entire length. And the wave of retreat was checked because The sight of the master compelled it to pause. With foam and dust SQUIBBY was gray By the flash of his eye and red nostrils play, He seemed to the whole great army to say I have brought you new "pep" all the way From Amherst town to save